Oh, hello there! I didn't see you come in. Please, take a seat. Sit anywhere. We're pretty laid-back here. This is a totally chill place. A menu? Of course, we do food. We're not quite a restaurant, but more than a cafe. It's best to think of this establishment as a liminal space, an encounter with potential. Love the experience - the living, breathing momentum. It's not so much the great coffee, delicious food, or cool clientele; it's the space between. That ineffable something that lies within the sum of its parts. That's why we charge eight euros for a slice of cake.
We're that fine intersection between environmentalism, hearty traditionalism, veganism, decadence, health food, authenticity, fantasy, luxury befitting the good life, and homage to the decades between 1920 and 1960 (sans glaring social justice violations). We ascribe it all to our authentic philosophy, shining through every smile and every last drop of our special blend coffee. Our baristas are cool guys — they've got the man-buns to prove it. The female baristas are implausibly smiley and beautiful, despite the stress of their perfect skin needing to stay within a strict band of shininess. We chalk notes on our sandwich-board, which is effectively a meme, to let you know that we're clever and modern. No need to be on your phone all the time — we put your feed out into reality. Put it away now, it's inauthentic.
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All our food is locally sourced and organic, and there's not a solitary plate on the entire premises. We're committed to helping local farmers. On our menu, you will find Kilamilluagh cheddar cheese, O'Grady jam from Clonmel, the Tubbercurry Tub o' Curry, and an unorthodox marmalade made from oranges locally grown in Carlow. We also do "guerrilla farming" here in Dublin City centre, where we forego the conventions of asking permission and considering other people's interests, and start a garden wherever seems viable. When one of our gardens gets removed by the local council, we usually barrage the shit out of those tasked to remove it with threatening comments on social media. That last sentence may surprise a few people. We do operate in a chill, laid-back way, but please understand the importance of us modifying your every action, carefully mapping them on to our stringent, uncompromising worldview. But in a very chill way. Take only two napkins.
We pay our employees a decent wage. If they need to start late or take time off or play music, that's no problem. We prefer a party-like attitude. Our business partner, who bankrolls everything, occasionally comes a-knocking on our door, unhappy with profit margins. Like a neighbour, angry about the volume of the music, we extend to him the opportunity of joining our party and taking a slice of the chill life. He threatened to eviscerate the entire project and blackball us across the entire town if we offered him another slice of anything. But he's a cool guy when you get chatting to him.
But please, do pull up a chair. We're just chill people trying to make this world a little bit better. If you want to pay later that's cool. There is no wifi password, and it's cool to use the toilets. You can plug your phone or laptop into one of our many available sockets. Unless you don't use a Mac, in which case you can just fuck off.
