I have decided to set up a new blog to catalogue the many, many beautiful women I have bagged over the years. It will largely be a collection of stories about clingy psychos, as deadly as they are beautiful. Despite me acting nobly and true to my heart, they always manage to reveal the ugly side of their character, spitting bitter venom over the happy memories we made together. It is less of a story of the perils involved navigating the rough sea of love and more of a story of survival. I have not only learned to survived; I have learned to waltz effortlessly from outrageously hot, yet psychologically unhinged, babe to smoking hot, yet clingy to the point of an Elektra complex, babe. Come huddle around me, my loser apprentices, and I will impart my secrets to you.
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| Something like this. |
Before we get into the details, I should address a preliminary questions that some of you are certain to ask: 'Why not stick around longer? Perhaps you'll see more to her than her jaw-dropping good-looks and demanding emotional needs?' Indeed, I have been laid wide open by certain women in the past to he point where I would crawl and pine and beg for them (in an enjoyable way), but I'm still glad I got out. The result is always the same; a foregone victory for one of the two competing feelings. My heart says an emphatic 'yes', but my mind says monogamy is an unnatural imposition on the freedom of true individuals by a society that fears the power of a liberated soul and wishes to oppress it in sets of two, prohibiting mankind's true nature.
The trick in love is not getting into the pants of these raunchy, alluring pots of sex. Any fool can learn to seduce women and start accumulating what I call in a dazed state of post-coital zen, the "Million Dollar Blowjob". The trick is getting out smoothly. This is, of course, easier said than done, and requires a series of careful steps. I laid these out in my recent proposed article for a leading women's website, which I have reproduced here. Change nouns and pronouns as appropriate.
The first step is to ensure that your boyfriend actually knows you have broken up. As incredible as it may sound, many people miss this rudimentary step. You can have some initial discussions about it with your friends, but be sure to tell your soon-to-be no-longer-all-that-significant other as well. If, in your estimation, the first time wasn't satisfactory, try to rekindle the relationship again, long enough to merit another formal break-up. If you lack adequate motivation, mentally prepare yourself for singledom by sleeping with another person. You could try just kissing them, but you are likely to need quite a few kisses before you really feel prepared to let go. Beware the circumstances under which you cheat on your partner; a hasty encounter may leave you with cold, alienating feelings that send you running back to him. Returning to your partner with a renewed sense of commitment will most certainly run contrary to your goals of leaving them; in fact, I'm going to put my neck and reputation on the line and say that if you want to break up with someone, don't develop a renewed sense of commitment. When you do finally break up with your partner, be sure to never tell them you cheated. You may feel justified in doing so, as part of your ritualistic pouring of bilious words all over them — after all, you really liked them for ages and they betrayed you by you just not liking them any more — but admitting you cheated can jeopardise your sense of victimhood.
"I'm sick of all this bullshit!"
This is how announce the romance is over, on every social media platform available to you. It's vague enough to hook curious readers and drag them into your new single status — and given how flippant and petty your love life is, you'll need a good hook. The enquiries will flood in, but remember to maximise your yield by only answering through private means. There are variations of the above status formula, and other words may work. "I'm quite tired of quite a substantial amount of this bullshit." may work, but if you type out something along the lines of "I'm somewhat taken aback by the dissatisfactory taste of this baloney.", then you've wandered way off the track.
Victimhood, as many of us know, tastes so good [please insert some generic comment about chocolate or the number of calories in food or some such comment]. With most break-ups, it is particularly sweet, as nothing especially traumatic has really happened, yet you can easily attract large amounts of sympathy. Victimhood is difficult to manage, however, and its sweet nectar slips so easily through the fingers. It requires the poise of a tight-rope walker to wield the sympathy that comes from a break-up and the pride of assuring everyone that you are stronger and happier than before — the delicate balance that attracts the admiration of your strength without detracting from the sweet sympathy. What video should you choose to post online, and when? When is it time to transition from Jeff Buckey's Hallelujah to Get Lucky by Daft Punk. If the procedure is too confusing, just post a Kelly Clarkson song — all her songs are custom-made for these situations.
Over the weeks following your break-up, post lots of photos of you online having fun with guys, regardless of whether or not you are having fun. Fun is incidental to the entire process, and if you are not prepared for the misery of spiteful, petty reprisals, perhaps you should consider joining a religious order. When you go out, always 'check-in' online and mention the male people who are with you — hopefully your ex will see it. If you must, get in contact with him and start an argument. Afterwards, post a picture on Facebook, bemoaning how other people's 'drama' is an affront to your integrity. Eventually, get involved in some rebound relationship, which you must publicise as much as possible online. Repeat the process as outlined above.
A few people have criticised my process, pointing out that it occurs almost exclusively online, rather than in 'the real world'. In response, I give these people an incredulous look, as though they had said something insane. Online and off-line are states inapplicable to the modern world. These people cannot be helped, because they have misunderstood the very premise of having a relationship.
Update: The article was rejected, as it wasn't numbered, GIF-ed, or completely obvious. They also complained that it was "WTF?"
The trick in love is not getting into the pants of these raunchy, alluring pots of sex. Any fool can learn to seduce women and start accumulating what I call in a dazed state of post-coital zen, the "Million Dollar Blowjob". The trick is getting out smoothly. This is, of course, easier said than done, and requires a series of careful steps. I laid these out in my recent proposed article for a leading women's website, which I have reproduced here. Change nouns and pronouns as appropriate.
The first step is to ensure that your boyfriend actually knows you have broken up. As incredible as it may sound, many people miss this rudimentary step. You can have some initial discussions about it with your friends, but be sure to tell your soon-to-be no-longer-all-that-significant other as well. If, in your estimation, the first time wasn't satisfactory, try to rekindle the relationship again, long enough to merit another formal break-up. If you lack adequate motivation, mentally prepare yourself for singledom by sleeping with another person. You could try just kissing them, but you are likely to need quite a few kisses before you really feel prepared to let go. Beware the circumstances under which you cheat on your partner; a hasty encounter may leave you with cold, alienating feelings that send you running back to him. Returning to your partner with a renewed sense of commitment will most certainly run contrary to your goals of leaving them; in fact, I'm going to put my neck and reputation on the line and say that if you want to break up with someone, don't develop a renewed sense of commitment. When you do finally break up with your partner, be sure to never tell them you cheated. You may feel justified in doing so, as part of your ritualistic pouring of bilious words all over them — after all, you really liked them for ages and they betrayed you by you just not liking them any more — but admitting you cheated can jeopardise your sense of victimhood.
"I'm sick of all this bullshit!"
This is how announce the romance is over, on every social media platform available to you. It's vague enough to hook curious readers and drag them into your new single status — and given how flippant and petty your love life is, you'll need a good hook. The enquiries will flood in, but remember to maximise your yield by only answering through private means. There are variations of the above status formula, and other words may work. "I'm quite tired of quite a substantial amount of this bullshit." may work, but if you type out something along the lines of "I'm somewhat taken aback by the dissatisfactory taste of this baloney.", then you've wandered way off the track.
Victimhood, as many of us know, tastes so good [please insert some generic comment about chocolate or the number of calories in food or some such comment]. With most break-ups, it is particularly sweet, as nothing especially traumatic has really happened, yet you can easily attract large amounts of sympathy. Victimhood is difficult to manage, however, and its sweet nectar slips so easily through the fingers. It requires the poise of a tight-rope walker to wield the sympathy that comes from a break-up and the pride of assuring everyone that you are stronger and happier than before — the delicate balance that attracts the admiration of your strength without detracting from the sweet sympathy. What video should you choose to post online, and when? When is it time to transition from Jeff Buckey's Hallelujah to Get Lucky by Daft Punk. If the procedure is too confusing, just post a Kelly Clarkson song — all her songs are custom-made for these situations.
Over the weeks following your break-up, post lots of photos of you online having fun with guys, regardless of whether or not you are having fun. Fun is incidental to the entire process, and if you are not prepared for the misery of spiteful, petty reprisals, perhaps you should consider joining a religious order. When you go out, always 'check-in' online and mention the male people who are with you — hopefully your ex will see it. If you must, get in contact with him and start an argument. Afterwards, post a picture on Facebook, bemoaning how other people's 'drama' is an affront to your integrity. Eventually, get involved in some rebound relationship, which you must publicise as much as possible online. Repeat the process as outlined above.
A few people have criticised my process, pointing out that it occurs almost exclusively online, rather than in 'the real world'. In response, I give these people an incredulous look, as though they had said something insane. Online and off-line are states inapplicable to the modern world. These people cannot be helped, because they have misunderstood the very premise of having a relationship.
Update: The article was rejected, as it wasn't numbered, GIF-ed, or completely obvious. They also complained that it was "WTF?"
