With the Oscars once again approaching, we here at The Fair Observations have done all the thinking for you and reviewed the contenders. Scheduled to appear as a Buzzfeed article, my review was eventually rejected for not employing the "smug, condescending pal" voice enough.
Captain Phillips
What is most disappointing about this film is how close it comes to being great. With Paul Greengrass — director of everything badass, from the Bourne series to United 93 — at the helm, and the Somalians as 'the Other', heart-of-darkness villains, it seemed like a certain winner. However, it all went awry when (Academy award-winning actor) Tom Hanks was cast, to captain the film towards the land of Oscar glory. Blinded by a lust for prestige and recognition, they snubbed Stephen Segal, who was born for this kind of role (I would have even accepted Jason Statham). Exit elongated fist fights, witty coup de grâce punchlines, and explosions. Tom Hanks can't even throw a punch.
What is most disappointing about this film is how close it comes to being great. With Paul Greengrass — director of everything badass, from the Bourne series to United 93 — at the helm, and the Somalians as 'the Other', heart-of-darkness villains, it seemed like a certain winner. However, it all went awry when (Academy award-winning actor) Tom Hanks was cast, to captain the film towards the land of Oscar glory. Blinded by a lust for prestige and recognition, they snubbed Stephen Segal, who was born for this kind of role (I would have even accepted Jason Statham). Exit elongated fist fights, witty coup de grâce punchlines, and explosions. Tom Hanks can't even throw a punch.
Gravity
While I appreciated the dramatic special effects and acting, I felt this could have done with a tantalising zero-gravity strip scene. Not Clooney, of course, but Bullock would have really taken the film out of the stratosphere with a homage to Barbarella. The excitement of the opening petered out towards the end, and a good epilogue would have capped the drama well. I would have written in a scene where Sandra Bullock comes home to find her 18-year-old daughter at second base with her boyfriend. With her spirit liberated by her near-death experience, she would scold her daughter — not for her promiscuousness, but for doing it wrong. In a twist in plot, she would initiate a threesome, where she would fulfil a deep-seated fantasy she has held since her daughter blossomed into a woman. Any misgivings would be assuaged by Bullock nonchalantly informing the audience that she was actually, and conveniently, the girl's step-mother. To increase her prospects of winning, her daughter's boyfriend would employ the power of suggestion and announce pleasurably, "Now that's an Oscar-winning performance."
While I appreciated the dramatic special effects and acting, I felt this could have done with a tantalising zero-gravity strip scene. Not Clooney, of course, but Bullock would have really taken the film out of the stratosphere with a homage to Barbarella. The excitement of the opening petered out towards the end, and a good epilogue would have capped the drama well. I would have written in a scene where Sandra Bullock comes home to find her 18-year-old daughter at second base with her boyfriend. With her spirit liberated by her near-death experience, she would scold her daughter — not for her promiscuousness, but for doing it wrong. In a twist in plot, she would initiate a threesome, where she would fulfil a deep-seated fantasy she has held since her daughter blossomed into a woman. Any misgivings would be assuaged by Bullock nonchalantly informing the audience that she was actually, and conveniently, the girl's step-mother. To increase her prospects of winning, her daughter's boyfriend would employ the power of suggestion and announce pleasurably, "Now that's an Oscar-winning performance."
I have yet to see this film, as it stars Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, and Jared Leto and will doubtlessly be on Netflix in six months. I suppose it deserves some applause for nostalgically harking back to straight-to-video films and sentimental Sunday TV matinees.
Joaquin Phoenix continues to cash in on his late brother's fame with this schmaltzy Hollywood production. A man falls a love with his computer, and she loves him back. I couldn't help but feel that it was the poor man's version of the 1977 classic Demon Seed, a film so creepy, even serial masturbators on Chatroulette would feel the need to shower after watching it.
A slow, black-and-white film about a depressing topic? I was fooled into boredom by Clerks and then, by God, by Down by Law. The main character may have memory problems, but I sure don't.
A film about unattractive people doing normal things in a grey setting. I may as well have sat in the cinema car park watching people for two hours. That's pretty much what I did do actually, waiting for my friends, who were watching the rest of the film. I got kicked out for repeatedly shouting "Ah, for Jaysus' sake, Alan, tell us a few jokes!" at the screen.
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| A picture of a car park, for those of you complaining about the sexy pictures. |
Despite all its favourable aspects, I believe they approached this film from the wrong angle. In the spirit of Quentin Tarentino, I think the best way to examine slavery and lay bare its cruel indignities is through a semi-comical lens, using a gangster rap soundtrack and an excessive use of the word 'nigger'. I feel that 12 Years a Slave would have been far more impactful if it had starred the Wayan brothers. I can think of few films that could be disimproved by adding people comically running into glass doors, hilariously getting their balls bitten by dogs, and cross-dressing.
A fair effort from the director who brought you all those also-ran films. Scorsese would be Oscar-less were it not for the Academy's pity in 2007. And the problem is obvious; this guy needs an editor. He must be madly in love with every frame he films. I can imagine director's cuts of his films, where he adds in him saying 'cut' and we see the actors relax out of character, before it moves to the next scene.
I knew this film was the winner, even before I saw the trailer. The title alone will earn it at least one accolade. Like 'awesome', 'beautiful', and 'postmodern', 'American' can mean virtually anything. Ask a conservative in the US, and they will tell you that it's all about fighting for freedom and the Christian values that built their country; ask a liberal, and they will tell you it's all about a plurality of peoples living together. Some wield it critically and only hear imperialism and mendacity; others hear proud individualism and entrepreneurship in those three syllables. All will assume it's something exceptional and interesting. Did they need 'American' in the title of the film? The answer is the same as to whether or not they needed both stars of Silver Linings Playbook: "I really want to win an Oscar."
