After more than one failed artistic endeavour, I am bravely putting my neck on the line once again. I have been tasked with delving deep into the sex lives of the Millennials. Millennials are the most important and most interesting generation of all time, and we need to get inside their bedrooms and examine every aspect of their sexuality. There is only one format suited to this task, of course, and that is the straight-to-Netflix, crowd-funded documentary — the kind where opinionated people (with varying degrees of expertise) are intercut with clips of stock footage. We have yet to find a composer, so please send us a demo for consideration. If you don't worship minimalistic electronica or you are not super mellow, then this is probably not the gig for you.
 |
| There will be lots of shots of people walking on the street. |
We will highlight all sorts of people, especially Instagram models, sexy baristas, bloggers and vloggers with attractive profile pictures, fitness gurus, digital nomads (provided they don't bear any sign of the austerity of nomadism), and entrepreneurs who know how to look presentable. We will interview them on the scooter, in the rustic cafe, in the shoebox "apartment", while they are recording a podcast about tattoos or craft beers, or while they are busy at a side-hustle. There will be a lot of confusing high rising terminal, but it will be me who is actually asking questions.
Millennials: who are they? What makes them tick? Why are they so interesting and why is there such a proliferation of articles about them? Are they the laziest, most entitled generation of all time, or, conversely, the most embattled generation of all time? What is the deal with their finances, their political persuasion, their career paths, their inability to stay in a relationship? But most importantly, what are their sex lives like? Are they as we expect, namely transgendered, depressed, outraged, mobile, vegan, lost in identity politics, on social media, taking selfies mid-sex, covered in over-priced avocado in an apartment-cum-shack that is barely within their means, complaining about something somebody famous said on Twitter? And if so, how does that sexually satisfy anyone?
 |
| Also, what are the best beaches to get sunrise yoga pictures? |
And what's the deal with the gig economy, Tinder, man-buns, and polyamory? That last one is a particularly contentious. In my ear, I can hear the objections of conservatives. "It disrespects tradition," they say. "Did all the spouses of days gone by cheat for this nonsense? Who now respects going around the back of your partner to have forbidden love with a fleeting co-conspirator?" I would agree if it weren't for two stubborn facts. Firstly, you must consider that some polyamorists are ugly. They have a much needed foothold with someone, and can now better bear the wind of single life that confronts an unprepossessing person. The second fact is the encouraging inclusivity of polyamorists. Polyamorists are ceaseless defenders of inclusion and always wish others to be involved.
Millennials apparently are having less sex than previous generations. This cannot be just explained away by ugly polyamorists. We must get under the sheets with them and find out why this is. This poses new and challenging questions. For example, is he the man, inserted inside her, or — like one of those gestalt pictures — the inverse? Can we know? Do they know? Does anyone, including them, have the right to know? We must look more closely, get under the covers with these young "men" and "women" and see exactly what they are doing and feeling. Sex with these some good-looking people in the prime of their lives is the only certain way we can gain any real information. Only when we get fucked every which way 'till Sunday, will we truly have an insight into what it means to be a millennial.
