Whatever became of Captain Planet and the Planeteers? They were active during a time when environmentalism was fringe and politically impotent. Now, surely, is their time, as green politics has become mainstream. After some research, The Fair Observations has traced the fate of the green revolutionaries and their opponents. Sadly, they ran out of formulaic and happy resolutions, and their neat, little adventures became messy misadventures in later life.
Our Heroes
Ma Ti, the youngest of our activists and heart of the group, was kidnapped and tortured to death by the CIA in 1996, while the Planeteers were trying to prevent water being privatised in Bolivia. The trauma of his death disturbed the groups so much that they went their separate ways.
Kwame, as an independent activist, tried to take on the militias and poverty in African states, and used his power of earth to help farmers grow crops. He inexplicably contracted AIDS (some of his supporters claim it was caused by Chemtrails), and now lives a life away from the public eye.
China sent Gi on a citizen exchange programme to Ireland. With her expertise in environmental science and oceanography, she expected to enjoy life in an island country, but she was disappointed to find that no institute would employ her and that people made fun of her name. She has been working in menial jobs ever since and the crushing weight of her long shifts has left her bereft of any goals, let alone one as ambitious as changing the world.
Linka made a fortune, after the fall of the Iron Curtain, by starting up renewable energy industries. She immigrated to the UK, where she tried to encourage the development of wind farms, largely by pointing her ring at wind turbines and shouting “wind”. She was criticised by fellow environmentalists, who saw her excessive use of her ring as yet another human activity affecting climate change. Many claimed that she had failed to keep herself fully informed with environmental science and had ceased to care after she had made her wealth. In later years, she tried to use her corporate power to coerce the Russian government to turn eco-friendly. She was poisoned in 2005. The British government are hesitant to release details of her death, but many suspect it was the handiwork of the Putin government.
Wheeler's body was found in the mess left by the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Centre. Nobody knows how he ended up there. Some critics say he got his comeuppance for his reckless lifestyle of chasing tail.
With the Planeteers separated, Captain Planet could no longer distribute himself into the rings. He grew bitter as the years passed, having to spend all his time in a cynical, greedy world. His political views grew more and more radical and militant. He now leads a small band of violent revolutionaries in Latin America, who want to bring about an eco-communist South America, by whatever means necessary. Rumour has it that he once killed a subordinate for ridiculing his green mullet.
Gaia still lives off the fat of the land. With no Planeteers to guide, she spends her time writing sentimental novels and making appearances on Oprah. She is a regular on FHM’s annual Sexy Older Lady list.
The Rogues Gallery
Hoggish Greedly married the woman of his dreams and turned his back on his reckless consumption of natural resources. He slimmed down to healthier size, started a family, and published his memoirs, where he defended his old colleagues’ activities. His assessment of Captain Planet was long and brutal, memorably describing him as “a radical propagandist for the deadliest leftwing agandas” and “the personification of all that wants to deny the family and freedom in society.” Planet wrote a counter statement, in his own blood and pinned it to an effigy of Greedly’s wife, soaked in the blood of his former henchman, Rigger. Greedly now lives under a witness protection programme.
Dr Blight died after years of fighting ovarian cancer, which she almost certainly developed from a dalliance with Captain Pollution (Captain Planet’s toxic arch-enemy, who is summoned from five deadly rings). Her last year was spent under house arrest for the murder of Sly Sludge.
Sly Sludge was stabbed in the neck by Dr Blight after making an ill-advised quip about her facial mutilation coming from the same source as her cancer. He died before the ambulance reached the nearest hospital.
Duke Nukem mutated into a hideous deformed mess and was permanently confined to hospital. He was barely able to breathe and he lost his capacity to speak. His spinal chord became entangled in the gooey, radioactive mess made up most of his body. This caused him much agony, but he was unable to communicate it, and as measuring his stress levels became meaningless in his new state, nobody noticed for months. Eventually, a perceptive doctor suspected that he was in pain. He taught Nukem Morse Code, enabling him to spell out “Kill me”. The doctor informed the hospital authorities, but later changed his story. Insiders tell us that Captain Planet skinned the doctor’s dog and told him to revise his story or his family would be next. Nukem now lives in yet another mutated state beyond all classification. Nobody is sure if he’s living or dead or some third inconceivable category.
With his gargantuan financial power, Looten Plunder backed George W. Bush in the 2000 US presidential election. When Bush became president, he made Plunder his chief advisor on the environment. Plunder’s policies favoured his insatiable greed, and his companies made record profits under the Bush administration. He now lives in gigantic fortress-cum-zoo, which collects rare species which Plunder hunts for sport. It is believed by leading economists and political watchdogs that Plunder could topple almost any government in the world, such is the might of his corporate empire.
Verminous Skumm continued a life of crime, his activities becoming progressively worse. When the Planeteers disbanded, his behaviour became more reckless and vicious. Authorities that normally turned an apathetic eye to his environmental violations began to consider him a problem. At the end of an epic duel in 1999, Captain Planet, now radicalised to a ruthless level, took Skumm to a hideout to execute him. After enduring the entirety of Planet’s hour long diatribe, Skumm broke down in tears and pleaded for death, urging Planet to do it. Captain Planet, spared his life, realising that keeping him alive was a greater punishment than killing him, and he made trophies out of Skumm’s hands. After years of plummeting into anonymity and poverty, the rat-like mutant was blessed with the convalescent care of a sympathetic cleric. He was soon selling his story to the media of how he had been saved by Jesus, and how he was the victim of circumstance and a wicked, environmentalist super-lunatic.
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