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| "The nuclear holocaust has finally come!" |
1. Smile and then post it on the internet
A smile can light up the world, but you have to post it online for everyone to see it. Unless you have a personal photographer, you'll have to take a lot of selfies. Stick them up daily to remind everyone you're happy. Hoist a smile on your face first thing in the morning and keep it there until you go back to bed. Every person you pass could potentially fall in love with you if you are smiling, but if you're not smiling all the time, you could miss out on a life time of romantic bliss. That may be a disconcerting thought, so try not to hold it in your head, as it may make your smile look fake. If you don't want someone to fall in love with you, cover your smile with your hand. Be careful how you do this, as it may look cuter and further attract unwanted attention. Don't lower your smile, however; remember, it is keeping you happy. If you have horrible teeth, see a dentist, or perhaps just concede that happiness is only for beautiful people.
2. Don't complain
Complaining accomplishes nothing, and the only one who suffers is you. Don't be whinge bag. Jesus, you'd fucking swear you were dying or something. Do you appreciate how adults are supposed to act? Do you want me to get your mommy because you had to get up early or because you actually have to do some work? Oh, no, you're a bit tired and the weather isn't balmy all the time. Just shut it. Shut your goddamn fucking mouth.
3. Trust in the universe
Perhaps not everything is going right. Perhaps you feel sad and unsure about life. Maybe you feel anxious over what lies in the day ahead. Believe. The universe has good things in store for you, and there's a reason for everything. She may have wiped out the overwhelming majority of creatures she has brought into being, many after a lifetime of pain, but trust me when I tell you that everything is going to be all right. All is okay and the universe embraces you warmly. It's not a choke hold, I swear.
4. Write listicles about happiness
Nothing is as deeply satisfying as writing a smug, poorly researched, virtually plagiarised list on a topic and slapping it onto the internet to provide subsistence reading for those who fear nothing more than raising their literacy level. Satisfying that itch we have for instantly forgettable information, the listicle is the lovechild a PowerPoint presentation and a fashion magazine article. So, get on your laptop and bang one out. Convince yourself you are a brilliant writer. Really brilliant. Affirm this belief with short sentences. Like this. Be bold and minimise your sentences to one word. One. It may be called a full-stop, but it can't stop your fullness. Write. Today.
5. Have simple, fantastical notions about happiness
Wake up in the morning well-rested and enthusiastic for the day ahead. Open your curtains to find a glorious sunrise reigning over a vista of lush nature and tasteful architecture. Enjoy breakfast with your soulmate in your pristine kitchen of white and chrome. He grows more handsome, devoted, and interesting with each passing day. Laugh gently in the shower, recounting all the joys you are blessed with, such as experiencing no physical aches, real stress, or anxiety. Fall in love with the world all over again on your commute. Get to work and get down to a day of rewarding, fun productivity. Leave satisfied and with enough energy for a yoga session. Arrive home to a home that is inexplicably clean and tidy, and have a delicious yet nutritional meal. Make love to your partner in a manner that is both sufficiently erotic and tender. Fall asleep peacefully, never detouring into self-doubt, dwelling on negative conversations and feelings had during the day or undesirable things that you have to do. Don't wake in the middle of the night, aghast at the horror of it all. If you fail in any number of these, you can resort to pretending you have such a life and live it online for all to see for no particular reason.
6. Preach about kale
Kale isn't delicious, but if you can delude yourself that it is, you can use the power of delusion to take yourself out of any negative mindset. This is how I understand the oft proclaimed benefits of kale, as there is nothing in kale that can't be derived from other foods. The right kale-free diet can produce all the benefits of kale, so there is absolutely no need to eat cabbage's ugly cousin. The same goes for all the other "super foods", but by all means, conscientious eater, eat away at your fashionable vittles; the power of delusion is shield unlike any other and can be deployed against the painful reality. Preach kale and live the fantasy.
7. Travel
I'd like to go on holiday. Unfortunately, that's not possible, as we no longer go on holiday; we travel. Travel makes you morally and spiritually better, more tolerant and conscientious, and more interesting. Don't worry about the cost or whether you like it or not, just go. See a world colonised by McDonald's and Starbucks; find people as petty and worldweary as those you left behind; expect everyone to speak English; take pictures of unusual dishes you eat; stand or sit with your back to the camera, looking out at nature; come back home with useless trinkets we are strip mining our only planet for, which you could probably find in your own country anyway. Pack a few confirmed prejudices in your suitcase and bring those home too. (After all, you've been there.)
8. Be aware of depression
In order to avoid falling victim to depression, it is important to understand how it works. If someone is depressed, it is important to do absolutely nothing, but be aware of it. Suggesting professional help or even getting away from their circumstances for a while, even in the most tentative fashion, reveals you to be an ignorant, insensitive monster with a level of misunderstanding on par with a bigot. Depression is a disease, whose causes are mystical and beyond all human comprehension. The first step out of depression is acknowledging that it is an immutable and all-powerful phenomenon, which cannot be overcome. Therefore, any attempts at therapy, psychological analysis, escaping depressing circumstances, positive thinking, medication, meditation, occupational therapy, increased level of activity, decreased level of activity, new friends or relationship, greater wealth, or a greater understanding of oneself, or any permutation of these, are all as effective as saying, "Ah, sure, Jaysus, will ya just cheer up already?". None of those ever work or ever will work, even over a long period. However, it goes without saying, the above advice doesn't apply to the other suggestions on this list. So, when someone is depressed, tell them to smile, stop complaining, have unrealistic expectations of happiness, trust the universe, forgive themselves, write listicles, do yoga, travel, eat kale, preach about kale, travel, and be aware.
9. Get off the internet
Go read a book or have a real conversation with a friend. Go for a walk, take things in your stride, and smell the roses. Discover all old cliches life has to offer. Go on. Don't hesitate in case you click on another page and forget to leave.
10. Forgive yourself
You failure. You shouldn't be here. What did I just tell you to do? Now what? Forgive yourself, I suppose. Let it go and move on. Your inner peace and happiness is what matters. Don't forgive others; that's just oppressive, religious dogma. That sort of stuff lets murderers and rapists off the hook. Worst of all, it deprives you of your sweet, sweet outrage and victimhood. But do forgive yourself; it will surprise you how easy it is.
11. Be childlike
Be like a child in all your activities. Feel the wonder of everything. Ask questions about everything. Take joy in simple things. Learn and seek out new experiences. Where does that path lead? Why can't I clad my blubbery body in a bikini? What do children look like on the inside? How will I ever get the blood out of the carpet? What is the thumping sound coming from inside the wall? Most of all, avoid responsibility and never modify your behaviour. Speak like a child and tell yourself that responsibilities are for silly adults.
12. If all else fails
Do yoga. Be grateful. Be mindful. Be positive. Let go of negative people in your life. Be giving. Be patient. Eat what your grandparents ate. Go to India. Plant a tree. Accept your body. Preach about all these things. Read short articles about these things and share them. Set aside hours to plan out your new life, allocating time for everything, including at least one hour a week to meditate on your inner light and divinity. Give up after some initial snags. Curl up in a ball, make infantile sounds and stay there for the rest of your life.
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| 13. Buy helium-filled balloons and go running with them by the coast. |
