8 Life Hacks You Need to Be Doing

Listen, let's not beat around the bush; I'm a smug, condescending prick who writes for new media and I'm going to give a hashed-together listicle and act like I know better than you. You're a brain-dead click monkey and you need enumerated instructions in order to understand anything. No matter who you are, whether you play in the big leagues or just sit in the bleachers, life will catch you off base and throw you a curveball. It's unavoidable, as the underlying metaphysical structure of the universe is an exact map of baseball and its rules. Here are 8 life hacks that will ensure you cover all your bases right off the bat. Eat them up and share them, deluding yourself into believing you have some wisdom or insight.

 

1.  Keep Moving

So, you find yourself in a swamp surrounded by crocodiles, and you're thinking, "Oh, man, not again!" Maybe this time they will see through your elaborate croc disguise made from bamboo and foliage. One of the reptilian monster darts at you, much faster than you would expect. You sprint away from his jaws of death, but he's closing in. Is this the end? No. Run in a zig-zag fashion. Crocodiles have difficulty turning quickly, and soon you'll have a good lead on him. Feel free to throw a demeaning comment or two at him, but be sure to keep moving.

2.  Make Some Noise

Falling off a cliff really sucks, especially if the fall is long and you have time to consider the awfulness of what is happening. But climbing a dangerous cliff face is exciting. If you are well-rested, experienced, and prepared, there's nothing to fear. Except eagles. What happens if you are suddenly attacked by a moma eagle, furious because you are too close to her nest and children? Surely, it's game over. Not necessarily. Remain calm. Pull out your SAS standard military radio, which you always keep on your person. Tune it to any loud frequency and turn up the volume to the maximum level. Point it at the eagle. She will get frightened and back off long enough for you to continue scaling the cliff and out of harm's way. 

3.  Take on the Challenge

You are walking down Crime Alley just minding your own business when some punk emerges from lurking in the shadows — a life long preoccupation of his no doubt. He produces something that glimmers from his jacket pocket. It might well be a mirror to aid him in fixing his hair, but, with the oily mess on his head, you sense that that is unlikely. At the sight of a knife, you feel you should probably just hand over your money and phone, but the heat of the night tells you that it ain't gonna go that way. How do you take on an armed man though? You hear the words, "Come at me, bro!" leave your mouth, and he lunges at you blade first. Hollywood has taught us incorrectly to grapple with the man until he has the blade right at your throat, before knocking him back and lethally pushing it into his torso. This is as pure a fantasy as the protagonist getting hit by every swing until the villain produces a sharp object. You push (now listen carefully), downwards, so you don't get punctured in one of your vital organs. Try not to get stabbed in the dick. It's not quite as bad a vital organ, but it's bound to hurt. Disarm the thug, by hitting his hand against a wall, and then finish him with a judo chop to the shoulder.

4.  Look Before You Leap

While surveying the landscape in a helicopter, the unthinkable happens: the engines cut and you start to nosedive towards the punishing ground. Your gut instinct tells you to bail out immediately, but this is the worst thing you could do. "Oh, because the drop would kill or seriously injure you.", you assume. Wrong. The blades would mince you the instant you exited. Best to hold your nerve and wait until the blades have slowed and you're much closer to the ground. Whatever awaits you on the ground, exclaiming "Bring it on!" will  surely soften the blow.

5.  Be Patient

Patience is hard to develop and requires continual practice until it becomes habitual. When suddenly faced with a black widow spider one must wait patiently and execute the best plan of action. Spiders are sensitive to vibrations, so tapping your fingers on the surface where it is will most certainly be felt. Tap out the most sexual music you know. The black widow will build a web and release a scent to attract a mate. When the mate finally comes (this may take days), you will have time to sneak away while she mates and then eats the male as a post-coital snack. Find the nearest phone book and flatten the two of them while you have still the chance. If you miss, run for your life — she will know where it came from and black widows are very fast.

6.  Take Time to Appreciate Where You Are

So, you've taken the shortcut over the frozen lake. It's all going well until the sound and sight of the cracks tell you your fate before you even have time to fully comprehend what is happening. You are plunged into the freezing water, and it seems that the only thing taking a shortcut today is your life. The total shock will probably cause you to panic, but you only need a few seconds to get out of the danger. Orientate yourself and swim upwards, looking for the hole you fell in. Catch your breath and get your arms and bearded face onto the ice. If you pass out, your beard might get stuck on the ice and keep your above water. Kick your legs to get your body level with the ice, and crawl, rather than try to pull yourself out. When you have successfully escaped, roll your way off the ice. Then keep rolling, and never stop, ensuring you'll never fall down anything again. If anyone questions you about it, tell them that's how you roll; they'll say you're on a roll and just roll with it. With any luck, they'll join you. Then you can go rolling with your homies.

7.  Be Careful

When in situations where the greatest delicacy is required, we must call on a special set of skills deal with the situation. Whether it be consoling someone who is recently bereaved or heartbroken, or if you have to give criticism of someone's work, the ancient art of ninjutsu can bail you out of a tight spot. Just slip out of the awkward situation, using stealth and cunning. To sneak like a ninja, practice the following steps. Firstly, you must not hold your breath; instead you should breath calmly and slowly. Watch out for what noisy ground lies in your path and keep your feet shoulder-length apart. Use your legs, not your waist to walk and keep a low centre of gravity. With each careful step, place the ball of one foot on the floor and then slowly lower the heel. Repeat with the other foot and continue this way for as long as you need to sneak out of the room. Of course, if you're rolling this whole time, you can ignore this advice. Just try not to get carpet burn.

8.  Fight Back

You're on a beach holiday and everything is going fine. The babes are impressed by your alpha body, you've acquired a golden tan, and the water is perfect for some diving. We all know this scenario, and we all know what is coming next. While you're in the water, you spy a deadly tiger shark rapidly making its way over to you, and you fear it might be hungry this time. The lethal predator is getting closer, and only these carefully executed actions can save you. Keep your eyes on the shark, as they attack in several ways, often circling their prey to find an optimal approach to make their move. Now, while this may sound somewhat seductive, don't be lured into a dance of certain death with the fearful predator. The hypnotic eye contact and the animal's fascination with you may be very arousing, but you'll wake up with more than a hungover stranger in your bed if aren't careful. Stay out of the shark's way and try not to move too much. Playing dead won't save you, if the shark is intent on eating you already, but if you stay still, he may not bother with you. Don't thrash about in the water; as much as you want to draw the shark's attention deep down, being the object of the shark's attention will only lead to your extinction. 

If possible, position yourself in a way that limits the shark's attack options. Go back to back with a swimming partner, if you have one, stand if the water is shallow enough, or back up against a rock. The thought of being pushed up against a wall by the mesmerising creature may run through your head, but you must focus on your task. If the shark attacks, you seek out his sensitive spots and give him everything. Yes, everything. No, not like that. Hit him hard in the gills, snout or eyes. Fight as hard as you can, especially against the urge to just surrender and allow this amazing creature's mouth to embrace you and rip your world apart. Once clear of the shark, swim to the nearest boat or to the shore. Regale everyone with your cool story, especially the ladies. Despite their tanned, languorous limbs, the beach babes can't compete with the intoxicating death-wish attraction of the murderous sea creature, but just try not to think about it and be grateful you're still alive.

"Come at me, bro!"

Meditations in a Graveyard

My feet paced conscientiously along the worn gravel paths, bearing a gait of solemn respect. I was as unsure of my direction as I was about the feelings one is supposed to have in such a place. Having passed by twice on the ferry the drizzly day before, I had decided to explore what lay beyond the walls of the island graveyard. I read that Napoleon, while his army occupied Venice, had ordered the city to move its deceased to a nearby island. One might admire the progressive efforts to bring hygiene to the city and keep death away from the doorsteps of its denizens; one might also laugh at the folly of trying to keep death behind the four walls of the cemetery. We bury death six feet below us, but it's never deep enough. The kerbstones, the headstones, the gates, and the elevated footpaths were crumbling, slowly, yet inevitably. The fate of the silent occupants was the same, regardless of whether their means were abundant or scarce. I saw plain walls with graves as big letterboxes, which lay in contrast to the ornate memorials scattered around the place. The corpses, I was told, are exhumed from the graves after a certain period of time and returned to their descendants, such is the shortage of space. This rule doesn't apply to the cemetery's more famous inhabtants, such as Ezra Pound and Igor Stravinsky, whose graves I sought out amongst the rows and rows of headstones.

Isola di San Michele

I was struck by one memorial in particular: an elaborate, unheimlich, sculpted parlour scene coming out of a wall. I approached the sculpture and stood closely to the main character. "Hate that", I whispered gently in her ear. She didn't smile (and she never will again). After a long meander, I came across one of the older graves, wherein a soul had been at rest for decades. "Get up outta that", I jibed, "How much sleep does lazybones need?"

Those struck down in their youth are the hardest to come to terms with, but I wasn't short of consolatory words. "Better luck next time," I whispered to one unbearably sad memorial; "Too bad" and "What a pity" were uttered close to the deaf ears of the youthful dead. "I bet you didn't think it would be that bad when your parents said you were grounded," I quipped, trying to cheer one of them up. I got no response - typical teenager. I got an equally unimpressed result from another line of graves, who I asked if they were having a lie-in. "The silent treatment," I hissed scornfully. "How mature." I sulked about the labyrinthine paths, until I wasn't sure where the exit was. After a few minutes, it began to get a little frustrating. I lit a candle in the cemetery chapel I stumbled across, meditated a little in the dark, and stepped outside again. The view of rows upon rows of final resting places evoked resignation in my heart, and I sighed, "C'est la mort." "These things happen," I announced clearly within earshot of the resting dead. Any silent resentment on their part brushed off me, as I have no sympathy for people living such charmed lives of relaxation. After further confusion as to where I was going, even with the strategy of walking along the walls until the exit appeared, I began to panic, and the dead told me silently (and vengefully) that there was no way out. "You of all people know that isn't true," I replied. "Perhaps for you," I grinned, "but not yet for me."

I eventually arrived at the exit. I turned on my heal and, suppressing a smile, asked them all if they had tried not being dead. A funeral procession came through the entrance, as I made my way out. I mused, salivating with the glee of my cleverness, that there was no exit here after all, only a way in. As I made a quick trip to the toilets, I thought about following the procession and asking if the recently deceased was going to be long in there. I doubt the family would have minded - their English probably wasn't all that good. I waited for the ferry back to the mainland like a hero of antiquity on the River Styx. I felt anxious, as I still had a few clever quips left, and I could get through a few of them in the ten minutes I had to spare. I wanted to tell them that I was much like them about thirty years ago, but I gave it up. Of course, I knew, they could easily retort that I'd be like them once again very soon. They say a lot for people who can't speak. The walls of the cemetery were slowly disintegrating with every lap of the waves against their base. They could be twenty metres thick and they couldn't keep death inside. The ferry came and took me away from coffin-like memories of being trapped in that place. Yet, I was haunted by my experience. A twinge of regret ached in my heart. I had somehow managed not to find Ezra Pound's grave. Then I remembered that he's nobody's favourite writer anyway and enjoyed the rest of my holiday.

How the hell was I supposed to find this?