I really love your hair do, yeah.

Andy Warhol was born within himself, which was born within the very heart of the revolutionary spirit of the 1960s, which in turn was given birth by Warhol's schizo-variagated, kaleidoscopic psychedelia. He revolutionised art and the world by colouring in pictures of celebrities. From an early age, he developed a passion for colouring books and obvious portrait subjects. In his Pennsylvanian home, his parents observed his talent and encouraged him to pursue a life of art. He had a preternatural ability to stay within the lines of his colouring book, even with the bluntest of crayons. Warhol's strict form helped him become established as a venerable artist. His extraordinary ability to keep his colours within a fixed parameter ran contrary to abomination that was Jackson Pollack. A crude affront to Warhol's sensibilities, Pollack practiced a brazen disregard for staying within lines to the extent that no discernible image could be found on his canvas. Warhol felt nauseated at the sight of Pollack's variegated vomit, and vowed to rein colours back into nice, intelligible blobs.

After mastering the art of painting on pictures of celebrities, Warhol turned to film. He masterfully depicted the Empire State Building by sticking a camera in front of it and leaving it run for over six hours. He enjoyed the privilege of being recognised in his time, and his celebrity enabled him to have elaborate cocktail parties, which, if they could be preserved somehow, would also be considered works of art. He is famously quoted for predicting that, "in the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes", and he is also quoted as saying, "man, people, like, need to be free to feel the world vibe, and, like, totally do what you want and be free, maaan". Warhol swaggered art forward in the 1960s by painting tins of soup and saying it was a meditation on consumerism. (Incidentally, I once drew a picture of a giant purple penis in crayon and titled it 'Death of the Penis'. I haven't got my due recognition, but as Nietzsche said, some of us are born posthumously.) He photographed famous people, playing on their sham importance and suggesting that all art is a largely irrelevant contrivance (which it absolutely is).

"Everything is, like, consumerism, maan."

Warhol was openly gay, and — as we all know — being gay makes you a great artist. Michelangelo was also gay, ergo Warhol was as good as any of the Renaissance masters. They would have made a cute couple, too, but not in Michelangelo's time, where Warhol wouldn't have the technology to make most of his works of art.

Andy Warhol left a notable legacy. He inspired The Dandy Warhols to swag on and be free and, like, live the vibe and don't be a drag, maaan. He also brought artist Jean-Michel Basquiat into the light of fame. When Warhol discovered Basquiat, he was jittery with excitement at how "raw" he was, and he told him that he liked him. "Yes, I like you.", he confessed, "And I'm feelin' so bohemian like you." He insisted on taking a picture of the young artist, upon which he then superimposed a pretty assortment of colours. Basquiat added the final touches, with a thick layer of white paint all over the canvas.

Warhol died in New York City in 1987. His attending physicians described his death as "a masterpiece, an inimitable piece of performance art". He urgently requested those around him to fetch a video camera and film his passing, but none could be found, and the opportunity, like Andy's polychromatic soul, disappeared forever. Perhaps it was better that Warhol passed away when he did. Spent of all artistic inspiration, except dressing in drag and taking selfies, Warhol may well have sought out new talent without creating his own, not unlike Paula Abdul on the judges' panel in American Idol. Warhol's greatest legacy was David Bowie. The English singer wrote what is surely the greatest song ever written about him, the name-dropping classic Andy Warhol, and he even portrayed him in film once. Bowie took after Warhol's style and considers him his greatest inspiration. "He taught me to build a ladder of pretentiousness use it to climb deep into my own hole," he confessed once in article. "Haha! War-hole! Haha!" Their genius lies in being able to consider themselves such important artists that people believe it. And so, time will not erase them, and they will forever be taken seriously by people who like to take themselves seriously.

Side-Kick!

With the release of The Avengers: Age of Ultron poised to easily take in over a billion dollars, and with DC and Marvel expanding their universe, there has never been a better time to release a superhero movie. All the various production companies are planning the release of lesser known stories and characters, and there has never been a greater time for an off-beat superhero film. I have a screenplay that has been gathering dust in the bottom of my wardrobe for years, and I believe that now is the time to let Hollywood bring my vision to life.

Nick Fury, aged and weathered from years of pursuing a vendetta, has finally tracked down the racist mastermind, Master Tokenism. A guru in the arts of magic and social stratification, Tokenism has campaigned to marginalise ethnic minorities. After an epic battle, Fury holds Tokenism by the scruff of the neck and demands he breaks the spell that keeps those of a different complexion sidelined. With malicious glee, Tokenism tells him there was no spell, and that society itself has sidelined its minorities. Aghast, and then dejected, Fury finally summons the strength to challenge the predominance of white superheroes. He enlists the help of Falcon, Lucious Fox, War Machine, Heimdall, Bishop, Black Panther, Perry White, Morpheus, and Storm.  Together, they tap ferociously at their state-of-the-art SHIELD laptops, banging out articles for Upworthy. They create an innumerable volume of memes and type comments under articles and videos. They start an entire Facebook page dedicated to bringing about more black superhero leads.

All is going well, until they collide with an equally powerful force — a motley crew of female superheroes led by Wonder Woman. After decades of being denied her own feature film, the Amazonian princess has gathered a formidable ensemble to help her hit the screen. She is joined by Black Widow, Captain Marvel, She-hulk, Batgirl, Supergirl, Storm, Jean Grey, Rogue, Scarlett Witch, Kitty Pride, Pepper Pots, and the winged superhero with a mace in the Justice League, who I'm too lazy to look up. After knocking a few heads together, they have discovered that they were being held back by Wage Gap 76, an ethereal organisation, which our heroes have difficulty finding in reality. When they stumble upon a group of secondary superheroes led by Nick Fury, who work in dark rooms, they assume they have found who they are looking for.

The first ever depiction of Wonder Woman in a feature film.

 

Battle ensues, as each member of each side conveniently pairs up against their match. Walls get smashed, sufficient time for clever quips is allocated, civilians dash out of the way of the carnage, some of the ladies show off their silky - yet deadly - acrobatic skills. At one point, a knife is held at someone's throat, but she manages to repel the attack. Someone lies vulnerable on the floor at gun point. A gunshot goes off, but our vulnerable hero survives, as it is the shot of an ally, who has just saved his life. Memes and sensationalist articles come flying out of nowhere. The battle draws to a standoff, and the heroes quickly realise that they should be on each other's side. Storm, whose allegiance has been torn for the first two acts, gives a long, rousing, expositional speech about intersectionality. In the third act of the film, our massive ensemble of films confront the main culprits of society's inequalities — the predominant white, male superheroes. They storm the restaurant where Captain America is having lunch with Superman. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?", Cap protests, but to no avail. "I don't know what you're talking about.", he insists, but that only angers the crowd further. After several attempts by both of the boys in blue to downplay the level of inequality, Superman tries another approach, reminding them he is an immigrant and Steve Rogers needs some leeway, given he's from another generation. The heroes seem defeated, but Batgirl points out that one of Superman's powers is being immune to being underprivileged, and ignorance of one's privilege is a privilege itself.

Things escalate further when Batman and Iron Man arrive, provoking accusations of class privilege and elitism. Batman protests, claiming that his abilities depend on him having massive wealth and leisure time. Tony Stark just quips that his wealth is a product of his genius, before producing a copy of Atlas Shrugged from his iron suit. The heroes reach for their laptops and smartphones and battle hard on forums, Youtube video comments, Twitter, and Facebook. Memes are wielded masterfully as simplified arguments for complicated issues. Eventually, the white, able-bodied, heterosexual men between the ages of 25 and 45, concede defeat. "What would thou have us do?", asks Thor. "Just be aware.", replies Wonder Woman. And so, thanks to the awareness of our privileged white males, the world is a better place. 

However, the battle rages on. Our heroes must be forever vigilant on the internet, taking umbrage to every throwaway comment that can be categorised into an '-ism'. It rages against inequality in films, celebrity comments, and song lyrics. It rages on much like the Marvel and DC film series, endlessly, pointlessly, and predictably.