Issuing Bonds

The James Bond series has become flaccid from overuse? Not if they can get their hands on these ideas while they are fresh.

On his way out the door of MI6, an over-sensitive Bond indulges Moneypenny in some flirtatious fencing. One of her comments cuts deep, and Bond replays it in his head throughout the day. He grows increasingly irritable and insecure during his mission over the following week, and when a henchman, from whom Bond is trying to extract information, tries to provoke him, Bond loses his cool and shoots him, leading to mission failure. 

JAMES BOND will return in IN MY MIND ONLY

Bond is portrayed as a woman. Sadly, she is as affirmative a representation as most Bond girls. She acts, or fails to act, based on how she is feeling (something she continually asks herself), and she often texts her friends or consults women's magazines for advice. She worries about her work/life balance, her weight, keeping up-to-date with the latest trends, and whether or not murdering people challenges her femininity. In the end, she fails her mission, having blown her cover on a drunken Instagram post. 

JAMES BOND will return in SHOE-RAKER 

To his horror, Bond has contracted HIV. He is suspended from duty by M until he has informed the legions of women he has slept with over the last year. It's a prickly task, however, as many of his romances ended on unfavourable terms. In an artful, meandering story, dusted with a sad humour, 007 relives the many joyful nights he has had, as well as confronting his many selfish mistakes. 

JAMES BOND will return in WITH RETROVIRUS FROM LOVE 

Idris Elba portrays James Bond in a remake of the 1970s blaxploitation film, Live and Let Die. He spends the entire story going from one what-the-fuck moment to another, baffled and outraged that all the black people he encounters are either hoodlums or voodoo priests. Yet, he does much better than he does in the original film, where the MI6 sent the whitest man alive, dressed in beige slacks and a navy blazer, into New Orleans to do some spying. 

JAMES BOND will return in CRINGE AND LET DIE 

In a light hearted story, Bond tries to rekindle the brief romance he had with Plenty O'Toole in Diamonds are Forever. The MI6 man, who is eager to complete his unfinished mission, pursues "the one who got away" a few months previously in Las Vegas. But Plenty is having none of it, the memory of being flung out Bond's hotel window into a swimming pool by the mob still fresh in her memory. Wrapped up in a fool's errand of a randy older man, the chesty socialite has to fend off Bond's persistent advances in increasingly more exotic locations. 

JAMES BOND will return in PLENTY O' FOOL 

Plenty.

After years of diversification slowly wearing down the patriarchal edifice that is the James Bond series, the producers finally allow Bond to be more than the entitled white male we have grown accustomed to. Bond is played now by a blonde, super-strong thug, the likes of which Connery, Dalton, and Brosnan had to face in the finales of their films. He pursues his targets with a savage relentlessness, and he plows through them with sheer physicality and brute force. 

JAMES BOND will return in CASINO ROYALE 

After a long stint in the Middle East, a sober Bond has an epiphany in the desert and decides to surrender to Allah. He grows his beard, turns to Mecca, and renames himself Muhammed Kafala. Immediately, he is branded a terrorist by western governments for all the destruction and death he has wrought all over the world. 

JAMES BOND will return in HYPOCRITICAL IMPERIALIST BULLSHIT 

Having reached the age of retirement, Bond packs up his stuff and moves to Japan. Promised by Tiger Tanaka, years earlier, a life surrounded by subservient women, Bond is surprised to find that the country isn't as sexist as he remembers it. His disappointment and frustration getting the better of him, and Bond resorts to groping women on the Tokyo subway. But a feminist group, tired of such antics, target him and threaten to kill him. He seeks protection from the Japanese secret service, but they refuse to help, still sore from the time Bond got half of their members killed in Blofeld's volcano base. To make matters worse, his previously effective disguise as a Japanese man no longer serves him as well as it used to. Alone, elderly Bond must fend off an onslaught of aggrieved Japanese women while trying to flee the country.

JAMES BOND will return in GROPEFINGERS

Bond's masterful disguise.

Bond attends a social event, only to realise the affair is far more casual than he expected. Embarrassed by his formal, white dinner jacket, he assumes everyone is looking at him. He feels humiliated when someone asks if he is going to a fancy dress party later. He gets drunk to help ease the situation, but it only drives him into melancholy. He is escorted out of the building by security for feeling up a woman, and wakes up the next day on the street with a kebab soiling his perfectly white jacket. 

JAMES BOND will return in BLUNDER BALL 

In a prequel to Live and Let and Die, we see how Bond gets caught up with the teenage girl who he's sleeping with at the beginning of the film. In the beginning of Roger Moore's first outing, he hides the girl from M, who visits 007 at home, but we never get any backstory on her.  Following the exploits of Bond and his precocious, young companion, we witness a hilarious caper, including a lengthy exposition of Bond bedding the nubile beauty. 
JAMES BOND will return in THE JAILBAIT WHO LOVED ME 

"It isn't statutory rape if her father doesn't find out." - Britain in the 1970s

While investigating a case in Oxford University, Bond beds an undergrad synchronised swimmer. Unexpectedly, he comes away with more than just a night of pleasant memories. In her dormitory, he finds himself leafing through a copy of Judith Butler's Gender Trouble. Initially scoffing at the ideas he finds inside, he soon finds himself challenged by them, and having read a copy he has purchased, he becomes a convert. He grows to believe that his fight against the megalomaniacal terrorists of the world has been in vain, and that the true enemy is the social structures and tacit presuppositions that keep half the population in subjugation.

JAMES BOND will return in THE SPECTRE OF PATRIARCHY