So Much Noise

Having ignored it for over a year, I decided to reopen my inbox. My patience and calm had returned, allowing me to once again face the needs of my subscribers. It was as if a million voices cried out in terror and pleaded with me all at once, desperate for advice: the clueless, the reckless, the feckless, the hopeless, the helpless, the gormless, the careless, the homeless, the talentless, the penniless, the soulless, the loveless, the worthless, the pointless, the defenceless, the directionless, and the tasteless. "I cannot tie my own shoelaces without some validation," they say in undertones, readable only between the lines. I'll see what I can do for you, friends. By the time I'm done administering my remedial (and remedial) words, you will hopefully be feeling fearless, effortless, relentless, boundless, and ceaseless. 

Life is full of difficult choices (if you are pathetic and weak).

Dear Nigel, 

I can't sleep at night. I'm restless, and often find myself with my phone in hand, flicking through apps. I've got into a terrible routine of overstimulating on caffeine and sugar to help combat my tiredness and then being unable to sleep properly. Any tips on how to get out of this funk I'm in? 

Barry Burton
Missouri, USA 

Nigel Says: That's unacceptable. You suffer from night terrors and wake up in a cold sweat? It has to be terrorism. Fear of an impending terrorist attack lurks in the back of your mind. You won't find peace in your slumbers until the attacks of recent years stop. Until then, blame Islam. All was well with the world until the Prophet Muhammed contaminated the world with his ideas. If you are afraid of appearing bigoted, engage on a crusade against all religion. Wish it to resign from its (give or take) ten thousand-year-old tenure on planet Earth, and tell people you meet, with your brow furrowed, that religion is the cardinal cause of evil in the world. If you lose faith in this enterprise, repeat your unsolicited mantras frequently in your social circles or on social media. Or just randomly knife people you don't like in the street - ISIS would respect you too much for that to target you.

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Dear Nigel, 

I've recently immigrated to Ireland, but I forgot to update my passport before leaving home and now it's nearly out of date. Any idea how an ex-pat like me can go about getting a replacement? 

Ada Wong 
Montreal, Canada 

Nigel Says: You forgot? This is a disaster. I imagine your were distracted and fatigued, two of the many negative consequences of our unnatural western diet. Do yourself a favour and ditch the gluten and the dairy. Soon you will have knocked years off your appearance. You will possess more energy and a more alert mind. You will retain everything. All of life's drudgery will become a sweet breeze, and you will feel happy all the time. The sun will always shine in the morning and peace will accompany you at all times. Let your indignation and anger wear itself out on a campaign against gluten and dairy. Their very existence is an affront to your health, so aggressively encourage everyone to ditch them. 

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Hey Nige, 

Any cures for a hangover? I went a bit mental last night, and now I'm dying in work - until 5.30! I want to take some paracetamol, but I've heard it would put pressure on my already fucked liver?

Terry Wilkinson 
Leeds, UK 

Nigel Says: A fucked liver? The only thing you should say fuck to is big pharma. Those bastards are keeping us down. It's a fucking outrage. It's all them and the government, I swear to God… 

[The rest of this post, in a later, more pacific edit, has been abridged for reasons concerning veracity of claims, mouth foam, and a deficiency in scientific knowledge.] 

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Dear Nigel, 

Can you help me? I'm in the dog house. I forgot my wedding anniversary, and my wife's a bit pissed off. How do I sweet talk my way out of this one? How do I make this right? 

James Egerton
Melbourne, Australia 

Nigel Says: I'm afraid I have bad news for you. There's no coming back. The sad fact is that these days, you can't say anything anymore. It doesn't matter what you say to your wife, someone will take offence. There's always someone out there waiting to accuse you of misogyny, homophobia, racism, Islamophobia, transphobia, privilege, xenophobia, white supremacism, or some curious bigotry towards the Welsh. And all the slurs of cuckoldry, triggering, liberal guilt, "virtue signalling", pandering to the left, populism, safe spaces, feminazism, feminist agenda, entitlement, and beta masculinity won't help turn the situation around. The world is against common sense. It's a fucking joke. 

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Hi Nigel, 

I was wondering if you had any tips on how to stay on a juicing diet? I'm always on the verge of quitting. 

Tara M.
Limerick, Ireland 

Nigel Says: Typical. Why am I not surprised? It's this fucking horse shit again. The government once again have failed to provide for the people of this country. I have a right mind to send them a letter inquiring as to what year we are living in, and then seek confirmation that it is 2017 and not Medieval times. (I know fuck all about Medieval times actually, so it could be.) How much more of this crap do we have to take? And what about the weather? Fucking hell. I'd advise badmouthing everything in this country — it's quite hard to insert solids in your mouth if bilious words are always coming out. Also, I'd strongly advise investing in a NutriBullet. It's basically an expensive food processor, but I feel you aren't really on a juicing diet unless you've purchased one. 

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Dear Nigel, 

My job puts me on a knife edge every morning. I have to cover any teacher who calls in sick. Sometimes there is a free teacher available to cover the class, so I don't have to, but that isn't always the case. Besides, sometimes more than one person is sick. Often I struggle to accomplish the mundane, weekly tasks, never mind the more ambitious, long-term project work. All this comes to a head first thing in the morning, when I'm short on caffeine and suddenly under pressure to prepare for the class I wasn't expecting to do. What should I do? 

Nigel Fairflower
Dublin, Ireland 

Nigel Says: Desperate situations demand desperate measures. While in the sanctuary of your flat, curse the name of everyone who comes to mind. Ask yourself why you do this, and long for your escape. Allow the anger to swell to a level that would meet the standard of Emperor Palpatine. As you walk to work like a groggy bear, find flaws with everything. It's too cold, hot, windy, or rainy. The neighbours don't recycle properly, and there's dog shit on the path. SUVs pulling out of their driveway try to bully your right of way on the pavement. While passing the local primary school, blame the parents for their precious children's lack of spatial awareness, especially the ones who allow them to cycle on the footpath. The van in the loading bay outside the local butcher's is susceptible to criticism, as it blocks your view of oncoming traffic, but surely it's traffic in general that deserves the true wrath of your mental finger-pointing? But fuck it, blame them all: the slow walkers, the people coming the other way who can't negotiate the footpath properly, the rich pricks in the massive houses you pass, the sun which always beats you head-on on a summer's morning, the lack of shade on your route, the humidity, your colleagues, the need to work, the lack of notes for what to cover, the difficulty in finding what you need for class. Go to town with your anger, and paint it blame-coloured. Give no more than a grunting response to anyone who speaks to you, or complain for a bit. Simmer with rage as you head towards the class and a little bit of your coffee trickles down the front of your hand. Arrive in class, and, on a dime, become the friendliest, most sympathetic, most useful version of yourself in front of a group of people who depend on your knowledge and skills to guide them. After two hours of this exorcising activity and the consumption of your caffeinated beverage, come out of the class refreshed, energised, and smiling. Pro-tip: Never (ever) learn a lesson from this.

Sadly, I have no advice for split ends.