Novel Ideas

"Why don't you write a novel?", she asked me the other day. It's a good question, but I don't have any good answers. Writing a novel for such an inveterate perfectionist like me is akin to Zeno's Paradox or The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, a kind of self-defeating regression, deriving from permanent dissatisfaction. Well, this is my latest approach anyway. So far, it seems far better than my previous method, where I was inspired by great ideas and then tried to put them to paper by doing anything but write. Admittedly, I do lapse back into that old habit, particularly when I lie back and imagine what a great author I would be if I brought my stories to life. Aside from The Untarnished Beauty of the Unbridled Soul (the completion of which approaches the release date tending to infinity, like an asymptotic curve), I have some inspired ideas for novels and short stories. I will now share some of them with you.

Darren, an awkward theologian has a coffee date with a charming prospect. He excuses himself to go to the toilet. After several flights of stairs and many doors he realises that he’s walking down the exact same staircase over and over again. When he tries to return to the top, he is met with an apparent infinity of stairs. How long is forever, he finally asks for practical reasons? Is he doomed to stay here for all eternity? And more importantly, is he making an idiot of himself in the eyes of the girl? The Lonely Patter of a Single Pair of Footsteps plays on anxieties social and existential, and warns us to be careful what we wish for. 

Terence, an egotistical middle-aged man, decides to purchase a simple drill in a DIY store. Unbeknownst to him, he has initiated his tragic downfall. The pillars of his life begin to crumble; his marriage, his twenty-five-year-old mistress, his job, and his hairline are all on the verge of tumbling down around him. Will he be able to figure out in time what has brought him such great misfortune? Or will the curse continue to bore further into his life and dreams, like a Bosch HDS181-02 into stiff plasterboard? The title: Drilling Holes. 

“We can give you your life back… provided you kept your receipt.”

A reliable, hard-working woman laments the stultifying, conventional life she has stumbled into. Once an acerbic, chain-smoking goth, she used to flaunt her formidable intellect, revel in her wit, and take pride in her licentiousness. Longing for her glamorous college days, when she found power and joy in nihilism, her preoccupation with deadlines and bills depresses her. Holding a scissors to her neck, does she intend to bring her misery to a total conclusion, or will she chop her hair into the whimsical bob she wore in university? The Glittering Void asks if the magic of youth can be recaptured from deadening adult life, and it challenges our views on what gives us strength.

Gerry, a young college student, wakes up disturbingly aroused. Plagued all day by the urge to masturbate, he tries to find an appropriate place and time, but all his efforts are foiled by a cast of idiosyncratic friends and eccentric associates. He begins to wonder if everything he's witnessing is real and if his urges are actually him being drawn into madness. Is his urge to get naked merely sexual or a sign of his mind sliding dangerously away from the conventions of society? The Irresistible Pull documents a fragile mind and libido desperately trying to grip onto reality and one's appendage. 

A TEFL teacher nears his retirement. His recalcitrant young adult students cannot understand or use the present perfect. With his faculties beginning to fade, will he be able to carry out the well-staged lessons, and teach his students the value of the tense? Or will they forever struggle to talk clearly about their life experiences and things that have been happening since a particular point in the past. All These Things That I Have Done is a poignant tribute the crumbling majesty of age, the loneliness of a faulty memory, and an effective (and surprisingly simple) approach to demystifying a relatively straightforward tense.  

A couple, who have been together since their teens, fail to realise their relationship correlates to the career of Irish boyband Westlife. Meeting in 1999, their love blossoms, and soon they are flying without wings. As the years roll by, their relationship grows more successful, despite its obvious mediocrity. Sinead feels blessed for the love songs that her favourite boyband provide for her love, not realising that their entire career is contingent on her and her boyfriend, Dave. She can't believe that she's the fool again, when Dave cheats shortly into their marriage and Brian McFadden leaves the band. Inevitably, their love falls into decline, and after endless stormy arguments, it looks like its over. A Little World of Our Own explores the sad nobility of trying to resurrect the flames of love from dying embers and questions if any Westlife reunion would be successful enough to help Shane recover the fortune he lost in the property market. 

A militant atheist wakes aghast one night, realising a fate more fearful than the inevitable, eternal annihilation that awaits him and everyone — he is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Unable to surrender to the idea, he grapples with the almighty burden, the guilt, and the deep empathetic sorrow that has just been revealed to him, and he must bear the pain of trying to share divine love with those who grow increasingly alienated at his every word. I'm Not Even Supposed to Be Here is where doubt meets faith and profound love meets the limits of language, a story where witnessing salvation meets being forsaken. 

A genteel, British tea aficionado realises her sugar addiction has worsened beyond the stage of type-two diabetes and progressed to cancer. The life that is enjoyed comes head-to-head with the life that is truncated by illness. A dilemma plays out, as we delve into the rich tapestry of her dolce vita, and her struggle to cut down the amount of sugar in her tea. One Lump or Two? explores the sweeter side of facing cancer. A must for those with a sweet tooth and/or struggling with a deadly illness. 

If you steal any of my ideas, late '90s futurism Westlife will come haunt you in your dreams.