After a stretch of over fourteen centuries, it seems that Islam is in decline. Religious commentators are predicting it will depart from the faiths of the Earth by the end of the year. Former Muslims will only turn towards Mecca on a trajectory that has them turn their back on Sharia. The Five Pillars will crumble, Masjid al-Haram will become a shopping mall, and men will flock to bars to drown the sorrow of only having one wife. The pigs are dreading what is to come.
The victory is erroneously being claimed by people who posted pictures, derogatory or otherwise, of the Prophet Mohammed online in January. Good work, guys, but it wasn't you. While they were effective in eroding a centuries-old religion and way of life deeply ingrained into the culture of over a billion people, it was really a viral video from two months ago that has persuaded Muslims to abandon their faith. The cause of this unprecedented cultural change is none other than our local-lad-done good Jimmy Nugent. Type 'Nugent Pwns Muslim' into Google and you will find the video which has millions across the globe renouncing their faith in Allah. On Henry Street, Dublin, a ruddy-faced man argues with proselytising Imam at a stall. The two men spit charged words back and forth, raise their voices, interrupt each other, overlap, burn each other with incendiary insults, skin each other with sharp remarks, incite as much violence as one can with a rattling index finger, and reiteratively shout the phrase, 'you stupid cunt' out of their foaming mouths. After several bouts, the Muslim man tries to return the conversation to civility. He discusses his faith at length and asks Mr Nugent, whose breathing is beginning to relax, existential questions concerning what lies beyond the physical, the apparent order in the universe, and the duties that are bound to our struggle in this world. A long ten seconds pass, as Jimmy calms and ruminates what he has just heard. "But your beliefs are a load of shite though.", he replies finally.
Like the flap of the butterfly wings that produces a hurricane on the other side of the globe, the simple line seems to be dismantling the Muslim faith across the globe. When asked about the situation, cantankerous TV3 presenter Vincent Browne insisted that the story was "nothing but utter horse shit". "The religious have once again warped the focus of the story for their own ends", he informed us, claiming that the story is a distraction from the ongoing class warfare in our country. Jimmy Nugent wasn't looking to spar with a religious leader that day; he was engaged in his new initiative to eliminate poverty and homelessness in Dublin. He has been using his newly-found prominence to help those living on the street. Before getting into a hot-blooded debacle with an Imam on the corner of the GPO, Jimmy was handing out cards to homeless, which read 'Get a job.' He has a good reason for doing so — his voice has become too hoarse for him to tell them verbally. At present, the great Irish patriot is fundraising for his local and international war on poverty. His headquarters in his beloved Clondalkin has large posters of a belligerent-looking man pulling himself up by a giant pair of bootstraps. Later this year, he plans to tour around the poorest parts of Africa and Asia on a safari truck yelling at people with a megaphone to get up and make something of their lives. Aeroplanes will snow the literate areas with cute business cards, informing poor people how getting a job will make them richer. Contrary to the Band Aid anthem, Feed the World, there will be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
Sources tell us that Jimmy plans to visit the Archbishop of Dublin to ask for funds for his campaign. When questioned by the press about the meeting, the Archbishop denied he feared that Mr Nugent would annihilate Catholicism as he did Islam. "No, no, no.", he chuckled. "That isn't going to happen.", he told reporters confidently, as cleaners furiously polished the already very slippery staircase behind him.
The victory is erroneously being claimed by people who posted pictures, derogatory or otherwise, of the Prophet Mohammed online in January. Good work, guys, but it wasn't you. While they were effective in eroding a centuries-old religion and way of life deeply ingrained into the culture of over a billion people, it was really a viral video from two months ago that has persuaded Muslims to abandon their faith. The cause of this unprecedented cultural change is none other than our local-lad-done good Jimmy Nugent. Type 'Nugent Pwns Muslim' into Google and you will find the video which has millions across the globe renouncing their faith in Allah. On Henry Street, Dublin, a ruddy-faced man argues with proselytising Imam at a stall. The two men spit charged words back and forth, raise their voices, interrupt each other, overlap, burn each other with incendiary insults, skin each other with sharp remarks, incite as much violence as one can with a rattling index finger, and reiteratively shout the phrase, 'you stupid cunt' out of their foaming mouths. After several bouts, the Muslim man tries to return the conversation to civility. He discusses his faith at length and asks Mr Nugent, whose breathing is beginning to relax, existential questions concerning what lies beyond the physical, the apparent order in the universe, and the duties that are bound to our struggle in this world. A long ten seconds pass, as Jimmy calms and ruminates what he has just heard. "But your beliefs are a load of shite though.", he replies finally.
Like the flap of the butterfly wings that produces a hurricane on the other side of the globe, the simple line seems to be dismantling the Muslim faith across the globe. When asked about the situation, cantankerous TV3 presenter Vincent Browne insisted that the story was "nothing but utter horse shit". "The religious have once again warped the focus of the story for their own ends", he informed us, claiming that the story is a distraction from the ongoing class warfare in our country. Jimmy Nugent wasn't looking to spar with a religious leader that day; he was engaged in his new initiative to eliminate poverty and homelessness in Dublin. He has been using his newly-found prominence to help those living on the street. Before getting into a hot-blooded debacle with an Imam on the corner of the GPO, Jimmy was handing out cards to homeless, which read 'Get a job.' He has a good reason for doing so — his voice has become too hoarse for him to tell them verbally. At present, the great Irish patriot is fundraising for his local and international war on poverty. His headquarters in his beloved Clondalkin has large posters of a belligerent-looking man pulling himself up by a giant pair of bootstraps. Later this year, he plans to tour around the poorest parts of Africa and Asia on a safari truck yelling at people with a megaphone to get up and make something of their lives. Aeroplanes will snow the literate areas with cute business cards, informing poor people how getting a job will make them richer. Contrary to the Band Aid anthem, Feed the World, there will be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
Sources tell us that Jimmy plans to visit the Archbishop of Dublin to ask for funds for his campaign. When questioned by the press about the meeting, the Archbishop denied he feared that Mr Nugent would annihilate Catholicism as he did Islam. "No, no, no.", he chuckled. "That isn't going to happen.", he told reporters confidently, as cleaners furiously polished the already very slippery staircase behind him.
 |
| Nutritional and spiritual sustenance from the James Nugent Foundation soup kitchen. |
No comments:
Post a Comment