Having watched the Oscars on Sunday, I thought it right to mention some of the also-rans I have seen over the last twelve months. After all, art is something to be cherished and admired and praised regardless of its mediocrity or inability to compose a coherent, plausible story.
Interstellar
I could discuss the merits and failings of this film at length, but I'll save you time and get to the crux of the matter: it's not Battlestar Galactica. For all the acclaim Nolan receives, he failed to produce a piece of art as sophisticated as the 2003 remake of the classic sci-fi series. His imitative cinematography is impressive, but no more impressive than the innovative style of BSG's immanent battle scenes. BSG's characters are fuller and never trail off on an academic-styled conversation of the immortality of love like Anne Hathaway does. Galactica goes beyond asking how humanity will survive, instead putting humanity on the brink of extinction and asking why we should be spared annihilation. It has a plausible reason for humanity's exodus into the stars, rather than a bogus food shortage. Speaking of which, why did all the militaries of the world disappear in Christopher Nolan's vision of the future? In times of a food shortage, the military is the very last thing that would disappear. If you found Interstellar a work of genius, I strongly recommend you watch Battlestar Galactica on Netflix. But please be careful that your impressionable mind doesn't crack under the pressure of better-written story lines, dialogue, and characters. Then go look the words 'genius' and 'hyperbole' up in the dictionary.
The Imitation Game
Whatever you may think of the inaccurate depiction of Alan Turing, you were surely excited by the after-credits scene, where we get a glimpse of Stephen Hawking's origin story in The Theory of Everything. Universal Pictures, in response to the strides made by Marvel and DC in the superhero genre, are bringing all the secular, scientific heroes of the internet, in one epic film. Turing and Hawking are joined by Reddit favourites, including Nikola Tesla, Richard Dawkins, Karl Sagan, Bertrand Russell, and — of course — Neil deGrasse Tyson. Having borne witness to the plague of scientifically illiterate comments on YouTube, our heroes endeavour to prove, once and for all, that God doesn't exist, employing empirical methodology, cool gadgets, Parkour, fist fights, and explosions.
Unbroken
Angelina Jolie's third directorial outing is a tale of commitment and inner strength in the face of adversity. Our protagonist, Mutsushiro 'the Bird' Watanabe, never errs from his duty to beat the living shit out of enemy POWs. Even when the US drops a nuclear bomb on one of their cities, the Japanese, and the Bird, refuse to desist in their efforts humiliating and crushing the will of their captives. The tension increases as the war is coming to the end, and the Bird's efforts are making slow progress. Just as victory is within his grasp, Japan surrenders, hammered into submission at the dawn of the nuclear age. We are left without an epilogue for the heroic Watanabe, but one assumes he forgave his Allied enemies for being so stubborn bunch of maggots.
Lucy
Beginning with the (completely erroneous) premise that humans only use 10% of their brain, Luc Besson's sci-fi story explores the prospect of a woman whose brain rockets well-beyond normal capacity, thanks to an experimental chemical. As her brain usage soars, her ability to assimilate knowledge dramatically increases, and soon she can speak all languages, understand and improve scientific theories, and master many forms of martial arts. Within a short time, she develops telekinesis, and is eventually able to warp matter as quickly as she can imagine it. When her brain usage passes the 90% percent mark, she transcends all restrictions of reality, and her final form is beyond comprehension. There is an alternative version of this film where Lucy, at 11% usage of her brain, realises how utterly exhausting and destructive it would be to be to use your brain at anything approaching 100%. At 18%, she starts to feel really dehydrated and has to drink lots of water for the rest of the film.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1
Only one arrow is fired by Jennifer Lawrence in the entire film. The rest is her getting progressively more upset by attack ads, starring her wussy love interest. It is an excellent portrayal of how some intelligent, able, and good-looking people mysteriously fall for people from much lower leagues. Unfortunately, it fails to show us why this utterly bizarre phenomenon happens, and in truth, it's not as good as the Arrow TV series, which has the Green Arrow fire multiple arrows in every episode. If you hunger for some real bow and arrow action — and I certainly don't blame you if you do — then tune into Arrow on FX and watch them babies fly.
Expendables 3
Given the age of the actors involved, this is a massive wasted opportunity which won't come around again. Wesley Snipes's real-life tax fraud misadventures would have made an excellent story for this film. Imagine the Expendables coming to rally behind Snipes, who is being pursued around the globe by a ruthless IRS agent, played by Michael Ironside. A martial arts expert, Ironside would threaten to tax Snipes's ass. Instead of this fine idea, we got another predictably dull outing. Why can't Hollywood just listen to the ideas in my head? How many times do I have to rewrite Man of Steel or Star Trek: Into Darkness in recurring daydreams? To Hell with you, Hollywood! I was even in town for two days last year. Why can't you recognise talent when it falls at you doorstep?
Interstellar
I could discuss the merits and failings of this film at length, but I'll save you time and get to the crux of the matter: it's not Battlestar Galactica. For all the acclaim Nolan receives, he failed to produce a piece of art as sophisticated as the 2003 remake of the classic sci-fi series. His imitative cinematography is impressive, but no more impressive than the innovative style of BSG's immanent battle scenes. BSG's characters are fuller and never trail off on an academic-styled conversation of the immortality of love like Anne Hathaway does. Galactica goes beyond asking how humanity will survive, instead putting humanity on the brink of extinction and asking why we should be spared annihilation. It has a plausible reason for humanity's exodus into the stars, rather than a bogus food shortage. Speaking of which, why did all the militaries of the world disappear in Christopher Nolan's vision of the future? In times of a food shortage, the military is the very last thing that would disappear. If you found Interstellar a work of genius, I strongly recommend you watch Battlestar Galactica on Netflix. But please be careful that your impressionable mind doesn't crack under the pressure of better-written story lines, dialogue, and characters. Then go look the words 'genius' and 'hyperbole' up in the dictionary.
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| Not the original series though. |
Whatever you may think of the inaccurate depiction of Alan Turing, you were surely excited by the after-credits scene, where we get a glimpse of Stephen Hawking's origin story in The Theory of Everything. Universal Pictures, in response to the strides made by Marvel and DC in the superhero genre, are bringing all the secular, scientific heroes of the internet, in one epic film. Turing and Hawking are joined by Reddit favourites, including Nikola Tesla, Richard Dawkins, Karl Sagan, Bertrand Russell, and — of course — Neil deGrasse Tyson. Having borne witness to the plague of scientifically illiterate comments on YouTube, our heroes endeavour to prove, once and for all, that God doesn't exist, employing empirical methodology, cool gadgets, Parkour, fist fights, and explosions.
Unbroken
Angelina Jolie's third directorial outing is a tale of commitment and inner strength in the face of adversity. Our protagonist, Mutsushiro 'the Bird' Watanabe, never errs from his duty to beat the living shit out of enemy POWs. Even when the US drops a nuclear bomb on one of their cities, the Japanese, and the Bird, refuse to desist in their efforts humiliating and crushing the will of their captives. The tension increases as the war is coming to the end, and the Bird's efforts are making slow progress. Just as victory is within his grasp, Japan surrenders, hammered into submission at the dawn of the nuclear age. We are left without an epilogue for the heroic Watanabe, but one assumes he forgave his Allied enemies for being so stubborn bunch of maggots.
Lucy
Beginning with the (completely erroneous) premise that humans only use 10% of their brain, Luc Besson's sci-fi story explores the prospect of a woman whose brain rockets well-beyond normal capacity, thanks to an experimental chemical. As her brain usage soars, her ability to assimilate knowledge dramatically increases, and soon she can speak all languages, understand and improve scientific theories, and master many forms of martial arts. Within a short time, she develops telekinesis, and is eventually able to warp matter as quickly as she can imagine it. When her brain usage passes the 90% percent mark, she transcends all restrictions of reality, and her final form is beyond comprehension. There is an alternative version of this film where Lucy, at 11% usage of her brain, realises how utterly exhausting and destructive it would be to be to use your brain at anything approaching 100%. At 18%, she starts to feel really dehydrated and has to drink lots of water for the rest of the film.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1
Only one arrow is fired by Jennifer Lawrence in the entire film. The rest is her getting progressively more upset by attack ads, starring her wussy love interest. It is an excellent portrayal of how some intelligent, able, and good-looking people mysteriously fall for people from much lower leagues. Unfortunately, it fails to show us why this utterly bizarre phenomenon happens, and in truth, it's not as good as the Arrow TV series, which has the Green Arrow fire multiple arrows in every episode. If you hunger for some real bow and arrow action — and I certainly don't blame you if you do — then tune into Arrow on FX and watch them babies fly.
Expendables 3
Given the age of the actors involved, this is a massive wasted opportunity which won't come around again. Wesley Snipes's real-life tax fraud misadventures would have made an excellent story for this film. Imagine the Expendables coming to rally behind Snipes, who is being pursued around the globe by a ruthless IRS agent, played by Michael Ironside. A martial arts expert, Ironside would threaten to tax Snipes's ass. Instead of this fine idea, we got another predictably dull outing. Why can't Hollywood just listen to the ideas in my head? How many times do I have to rewrite Man of Steel or Star Trek: Into Darkness in recurring daydreams? To Hell with you, Hollywood! I was even in town for two days last year. Why can't you recognise talent when it falls at you doorstep?
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