Sans Livre de Visage

I parted ways with Facebook over a month ago, deactivating my account indefinitely. I can now tell you, friends, that it was the greatest decision I have ever made. A mere twenty minutes after closing my account, I felt like a newly freed man, whose laptop and smartphone looked like broken chains. This past month, I have learned many things — exactly ten to be precise — and I shall now recount them to you in list form (as you're still on Facebook, you wouldn't understand any other format).

1. My attention span has returned

When I was on Facebook and my mind was a flittering becoming of stillborn thoughts, I was unable to hold my focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. All I was fit for was the mindless scroll of my newsfeed, and even then I couldn't recall what I had clicked on seconds before. Those foggy, meaningless days have now passed, thank God, and my thoughts are now more sustained. I can once again read books, appreciate the flavours of food, sensations against my skin, meditate, get lost in a song, contemplate the great wonders of being a sentient creature. My concentration grows larger by the minute, enveloping more and more of the world. My brain is enlarging itself, and the entirety of my grey matter will soon be nothing more than a receptacle for absorbing everything. Reality itself will be drawn into my Mekon-sized head, until it is a mere tapestry that rotates in my consciousness.

Artist's impression of what I will look like.

2. I walk with my head up

With the Zuckerburg dragon slain from my life, I no longer feel compelled to check my phone every minute. When I walk the street, I walk the street for the sake of walking the street, rather than walking the street for the sake of doing something to accompany my phone checking. The world above the pavement is so colourful, and it tells a story no number of enviable photo posts could tell. My eyes have seen things on walks no other human eyes have glimpsed — fleeting contingencies, irreplaceable moments drifting in and out of existence. Life grants us a limited amount of these moments, so appreciate them. I know well that my upright, enlarging head will eventually crush my neck and shoulders, so I in particular feel the exigency of time. Let's hope this happens before my head has absorbed all of reality, for nothing may remain thereafter.

3. I'm more interesting than you

When a man of my calibre walks into a room, he excites intrigue in the minds, hearts, and loins of the lady folk. 'Who is he?', they ask. 'What's he thinking? What burns beneath the surface of that cool veneer? Where lies the door to his heart?' Sadly, there are answers to all those questions, and they are as pedestrian as the disappointed walk away from your revealed self by stilettoed beauties. In the absence of a Facebook account, these answers remain concealed, shrouded by layers of mystery. Through the lens of Facebook, the answers are usually a worse portrayal than the reality; everything looks like obnoxious self-affirmation — even refusing to post.

4. I'm freer than you 
Nobody has been as free as I am since the prisoner who escaped bondage in the Allegory of Plato's cave. If you recall, he grew to unveil more and more of reality, finally coming to see the illusion of the shadows on the cave wall. As Socrates predicted, the other prisoners would be fearful and disparaging of the freed man's liberated mind — as Facebook users are now afraid of me — and the liberated man would laugh at the shadow reality of the cave, much in the same way that I laugh at the shadow reality of Facebook. Socrates also suggested that the other prisoners would kill the liberated man if given the opportunity. Given the prescience of Socrates's insights, I am now completely paranoid when I step outside my front door. I sometimes refer to something I supposedly saw on my Facebook feed, usually when I pass some intimidating people on the street. They give me incredulous looks for just talking at them suddenly (It's either that or my swollen cranium), but it has kept me alive so far.

5. I have more time for other things

Your time is limited, as Steve Jobs (the greatest sage of them all) once said. We are but a fleeting glimmer of light between two cold voids of oblivion. Every day counts. Our lives would be better lived by appreciating the joys that life brings - the warm bonds of friends and family; the passing of the seasons; simple joys of books, movies, walks, making love; dancing like nobody is watching, and dancing erotically like other people are watching. Life is a gift to be embraced fearlessly. I realised I didn't have enough time to report my life to an audience on Facebook. It took chunks from my time on other websites, which I can now use more frequently to report how free I am. I now have much more time for Twitter, Youtube, Reddit, Chatroulette, Pinterest, 4chan, 9gag, Netflix, Skype, WhatsApp, Google+, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, gchat, Spotify, lemonparty, suicidegirls, Amazon, eBay, RedTube, Bebo, LinkedIn, Yahoo, MSN, MNS, Ask, BroBible, trailers.apple, and zombo.com.

6. I no longer feel the need to impress anyone

I am free of the chains of your perspective. My soul is beautiful, regardless of whether you 'like' it or not. I am no longer need virtual validation. But is this far enough? Should I distance myself further from society's expectations? How far is far enough? Are we ever free from considering the gaze of others? And if we can break free, what is the cost?

7. My self-esteem has risen dramatically

Despite my gigantic, ever-swelling head, I cherish myself. In the absence of Facebook posts and affirmations, I have placed mantras all over my environment. My walk to work is littered with signs, graffiti, and pieces of paper telling me how wonderful I am and how the universe is embracing me firmly. I value this great feeling of self-worth, as I know it will soon pass. My quest to be free from others' standards will result in a dramatic fall in personal hygiene and personal grooming. If you see a urine-stenched vagabond on the bus who looks like me, I don't expect you to say hello. It would probably end up with my threatening to gouge your eye out anyway.

8. I don't have to put up with your shit anymore

Christ, do you ever shut up?! The temperature drops a few degrees and you act as though it was some great injustice. Every irrelevant issue with a celebrity becomes a feminist or political battleground. Political commentary is rarely more than one-liners and memes. Politics ought to be about developing a political ideal and striving to get there from our current situation. Everything else is mere dressing, and posts about what politicians and celebrities say, no matter how hypocritical or ill-informed, is a waste of time. Reading about celebrities, even their murder trials and deaths, and discussing the details is a waste of your intellect. The people I respect the most have resilience and resolve, and they can greet the darkest of times with an admirable light-heartedness. For most situations, seriousness is not the most mature response. Consider the child who rages at having to go to bed early; how is that any different to the adult who resents having to get up early for work or takes umbrage to the changing of the seasons?

9. I don't miss it

At no point in my day, since my liberation, have I felt the urge to return to Facebook. Just yesterday, I was thinking about how free I was. I formulated lines that I thought would best express my feeling and thoughts. The impulse came to type them into a status update, but them I remembered Facebook was gone. I thought about taking a picture of me doing lots of things in my free time, but I had nowhere to post them. The irony of my situation made me chuckle a bit, and I thought about what a quirky and funny post that would make, even accompanied by an ironic video. I think I might do it yet; pop in for a little bit, just to tell you how I'm not missing it at all. Not at all. In fact, I'm happier than I've ever been. Hahaha! God, I'm laughing! I can't believe how happy I am without you!

10. I can spread the word and make people aware

I have learned so much! It's my journey. I'm going to bring my enlightenment up at every opportunity. How many uncomfortable conversations are we going to have where I tell you about the evils of the Zuckerberg juggernaut? Many. I might even start a campaign to bring down Facebook. It will get nowhere though, because it will have no social media presence.