Warm the Cockles of your Heart

I heard someone complain about the changeable weather recently. The fluctuations between chilly and mild weather was outrageous and apparently responsible for the colds and flu going around. I don't view things so negatively, however, as I know well that the weather is nowhere near as fickle as the political climate, where heroes of old are tossed to the side. Political revolutions can fall asunder with the slightest of blemishes on the character of their leaders. So it was with Jimmy Nugent. His oratory skills called forth an abundant, thriving economy and the prospect of a bright future. And how did we repay him? We took issue with his unregistered taxi, and abandoned him to the political wilderness. The slump in the economy is our own doing; we have nothing to complain about.

There is no point complaining about the weather, and until a couple of weeks ago I assumed we had no right either. Last month, Mr Nugent staged a comeback on the Joe Duffy Show, the place he had launched his political career over three years ago. After a political backstabbing comparable to Julius Caesar's assassination, brutal lashes from the most hypocritical of journalists, and a litany of false accusations and half-truths — most notably, the rumour that his wife and children were leaving his closed-economy house —Jimmy had the grace to return to the political arena and fight for the common man. His appearance on Joe Duffy has gone viral, as there are once again reports of the economy tentatively beginning to flourish. Joe and his insufferable cohorts were discussing how badly the government was performing in the face of mass resistance to water charges. They were unimpressed by government ministers' responses and how they were coming across to the public. Analysing some lines from members of the cabinet, they discussed how this might affect the next approval ratings poll. One caller inquired as to why they were neglecting to focus on the value of the government's policies and how they were being enacted, but he was quickly cut off. Joe reminded his audience that prank calls were a waste of everyone's time. After a commercial break, listeners were treated to pure dialectical magic comparable to the apex of Socratic interlocution. 

"We've got a caller on line two," Joe informed us, "who thinks that the government are to blame for the recent cold weather." Those of us with sharp ears, would have recognised the gravelly timbre of the voice that inspired a nation in recent history. Joe inquired as to why Jimmy thought government was to blame for the cold weather. Priming us for the complexity of his ideas, Jimmy started by reminding us that "them bollixes haven't got a clue." Joe released a hallmark sonorous 'yeah', before Jimmy pressed the issue further. "But do they though?", he rifled intimidatingly, "Do they?" After a short yet awkward pause, he slammed his preliminary point shut. "No, they don't."

"But what makes you think Enda and co. are responsible for the weather?", Joe jibed, in a manner only accessible to those who have dedicated themselves to years of being a smug, conservative prick. "Well, listen, it's freezin' out there and the government is doing nothing about it", Jimmy explained. "They're all going around in their government Mercs, and they have no idea how cold it is for the rest of us." One of Joe's pals in the studio objected to this complaint on the grounds that November hadn't witnessed subzero temperatures. Jimmy forfeited his right to point out that the objection came from the lips of a patent knob-end, and elected instead to strike the argument down in one blow. "It doesn't need to be below freezing to be bleedin' freezing." Laughter ensued, as it is so inclined to do, and the atmosphere warmed in the studio. Jimmy was thereafter given free rein to impart his ideas for combatting the cruelty of winter. "Radiators in the sky. We need to construct giant radiators and float them hundreds of feet into the air." Jimmy and the show's presenters hammered out the details over the course of a fifteen minute conversation. They differed on the difficulty in finding material that was both transparent and sufficiently able to radiate heat, but all parties agreed that it was absolutely feasible and that the light refraction would look "deadly". Within forty-eight hours, a draft proposal was on the desk of the Minister of the Environment. When asked about the idea, Taoiseach Enda Kenny said that the project seemed viable, but there were still many details to consider. The government has set aside €60 million in next year's budget for consultancy agencies on the project. It is hoped that they will be able to blueprint a scheme that will satisfy the need to create many redundant, overpaid management positions, an egregious bonus scheme, and an utterly confusing billing system certain to enrage the public. "It will be a long road before we begin launching any heaters", said Mr Kenny about the proposed stadium-sized radiators to be hoisted over Dublin City. "For now, we have to focus on amassing a baneful, wasteful bureaucracy primed for needless privatisation", he said, wiping the drool from the side of his mouth.

In any case, after recent political developments, I suspect that future winters will be the warmest on record. If you drive into Jimmy's hometown of Clondalkin, you cannot help but notice the large, ostentatious sign that reads, 'This is Nugent town'. It had begun to look weather-worn and rusted until someone gave it a fresh lick of paint last week. The temperature is gradually dropping on the thermometer, but the 'RealFeel' is much higher. And it's only 162 days to summer.

Image of proposed project