After my recent racier entries, I have received a substantial number of emails asking for my counsel on matters of the heart and bedroom. Never one to shun his patrons, I am happy to oblige my clueless followers with their hapless advances towards women who are, most likely, beyond the reach of their emasculated libidos.
Dear Nigel,
I totally fancy this girl at work. She's so hot, and I can't stop fantasising about her. I keep imagining all the naughty things I want to do to that hot ass. You should see the rack on this girl. I'm having problems getting her alone, and when we talk, my ability to flirt goes out the window. She has no idea how much I want her and can't stop thinking about her.
Here is what you need to do: stand up and leave the office. Walk around town and allow your eyeballs to absorb the many attractive women walking around. There's something for everybody's taste, even for a T&A sophisticate like you. You're not going to believe this, but a lot of them are available and would be a better match for you than your colleague. Go get them and throw off the beguiling shackles of your workmate. You have succumb to the lure of office familiarity. This has a greater sway over weak men, as it is a sublimation of the deep-seated longing for maternal familiarity. If my proposed remedy fails, you may have to sever the psychological umbilical chord before you sever the office one.
Dear Nigel,
I think I'm in love. I've met a girl through some friends. She's so cute and adorable. She's intelligent, well-spoken, and shares so many interests with me. She's not usually taken in by the things that other idiot girls are, yet she's seeing this complete dickhead. He's just a suit, who works in a bank. He's permanently in a shirt and tie, and he's such a burley jock. I don't see what she sees in him. He doesn't care for her as much as I do.
I see. So, you have laid claim to her in a resentful manner, and you're wondering why she doesn't want you? Have you considered defusing the resentful mine that would go off in a hypothetical relationship, if she acts like an 'idiot girl'? Remember, someone can only fall if you put them on a high pedestal. And what is her mistake? She is attracted to a guy who gives her space, is muscular, and well-dressed. The guy even has a steady job. What on Earth does she see in him? She should yield to your impotent feelings. She should understand the scars inflicted on your heart, when your mother refused to acknowledge your secret wishes to kill your father and usurp his place in her bed. She should allow you to usurp her current lover and weep on her lap.
Dear Nigel,
I'm having trouble scoring women. I've tried everything. When I'm out, I approach them and offer them drinks, but they're too stuck up to accept. And when I try to dance with them, they close ranks. They probably complain about the lack of guys in their life, but then reject them before they even get to know them.
Well, friend, your first mistake was using the word 'score'. By using such awfully trite words you've demarcated yourself as a conversational bore. I believe your generic lines hide your true feelings, as you're afraid to show what really stirs beneath the surface. This would ordinarily be a great tragedy, but I would venture to guess that what lies beneath the surface is as hideous as you believe it to be. You desire to plea with your mother to take you back into her arms and never let go. Unconditional love is what you want; the love you felt long ago, when you sat safely in the bosom of your mother's embrace. I advise you to forsake your usual weekend activities, face your demons, and cry hard tears for the duration of the year. Perhaps then, in 2014, you will emerge a true, warrior man who is prepared to claim a stake in this world.
Dear Nigel,
Girls are such bitches! They say they want a nice guy, but when one comes along, they are either uninterested or treat them like crap. What they really want is a bastard, because they can't be happy, and they just don't want to admit it. It's all such bullshit!
How do I explain this? Allow me to make use of a metaphor. Behold the lion in the Serengeti. Does the lion refer to the lionesses as 'bitches'? If he does, he no longer considers himself nice. When he hunts his prey or looks for a mate, nobody doubts what the outcome will be, such is his prowess. He certainly doesn't smother the other animals with agreeable comments and focussed, super-friendly conversation that feels like a straitjacket which prohibits speaking freely. He doesn't suck the fun out of the conversation in a manner comparable to talking to someone's conservative granny. He either makes the kill or lies collectedly, safe in the knowledge of dauntlessness will. He too emerged from the womb of his mother, but he never longs to return. He enjoys the freedom of the dusty plains, and would never cling to a lioness in an attempt to satisfy a desperate desire to reproduce the conditions of his life in the uterus.
Dear Nigel,
I'm having difficulty getting my girlfriend to get sexy in the shower. It's a fantasy of mine, but she's not interested. She says that it requires too much 'gymnastics' and we should just do it on the bed. What can I do to convince her?
So, you like a long, hot shower, do you? No wonder she doesn't want you. It's clear that you have a repressed desire to crawl back into the womb, and the safe, comforting heat of a long shower provides the next best thing. When you ask her to join you in the shower, she sees the you for the infant that you are. It is time for you to grow up and cut down on your water consumption via a shower timer or by shutting off the water while you soap up. Maybe then you won't need forty litres of water to get her wet.
Dear Nigel,
I totally fancy this girl at work. She's so hot, and I can't stop fantasising about her. I keep imagining all the naughty things I want to do to that hot ass. You should see the rack on this girl. I'm having problems getting her alone, and when we talk, my ability to flirt goes out the window. She has no idea how much I want her and can't stop thinking about her.
Here is what you need to do: stand up and leave the office. Walk around town and allow your eyeballs to absorb the many attractive women walking around. There's something for everybody's taste, even for a T&A sophisticate like you. You're not going to believe this, but a lot of them are available and would be a better match for you than your colleague. Go get them and throw off the beguiling shackles of your workmate. You have succumb to the lure of office familiarity. This has a greater sway over weak men, as it is a sublimation of the deep-seated longing for maternal familiarity. If my proposed remedy fails, you may have to sever the psychological umbilical chord before you sever the office one.
Dear Nigel,
I think I'm in love. I've met a girl through some friends. She's so cute and adorable. She's intelligent, well-spoken, and shares so many interests with me. She's not usually taken in by the things that other idiot girls are, yet she's seeing this complete dickhead. He's just a suit, who works in a bank. He's permanently in a shirt and tie, and he's such a burley jock. I don't see what she sees in him. He doesn't care for her as much as I do.
I see. So, you have laid claim to her in a resentful manner, and you're wondering why she doesn't want you? Have you considered defusing the resentful mine that would go off in a hypothetical relationship, if she acts like an 'idiot girl'? Remember, someone can only fall if you put them on a high pedestal. And what is her mistake? She is attracted to a guy who gives her space, is muscular, and well-dressed. The guy even has a steady job. What on Earth does she see in him? She should yield to your impotent feelings. She should understand the scars inflicted on your heart, when your mother refused to acknowledge your secret wishes to kill your father and usurp his place in her bed. She should allow you to usurp her current lover and weep on her lap.
Dear Nigel,
I'm having trouble scoring women. I've tried everything. When I'm out, I approach them and offer them drinks, but they're too stuck up to accept. And when I try to dance with them, they close ranks. They probably complain about the lack of guys in their life, but then reject them before they even get to know them.
Well, friend, your first mistake was using the word 'score'. By using such awfully trite words you've demarcated yourself as a conversational bore. I believe your generic lines hide your true feelings, as you're afraid to show what really stirs beneath the surface. This would ordinarily be a great tragedy, but I would venture to guess that what lies beneath the surface is as hideous as you believe it to be. You desire to plea with your mother to take you back into her arms and never let go. Unconditional love is what you want; the love you felt long ago, when you sat safely in the bosom of your mother's embrace. I advise you to forsake your usual weekend activities, face your demons, and cry hard tears for the duration of the year. Perhaps then, in 2014, you will emerge a true, warrior man who is prepared to claim a stake in this world.
Dear Nigel,
Girls are such bitches! They say they want a nice guy, but when one comes along, they are either uninterested or treat them like crap. What they really want is a bastard, because they can't be happy, and they just don't want to admit it. It's all such bullshit!
How do I explain this? Allow me to make use of a metaphor. Behold the lion in the Serengeti. Does the lion refer to the lionesses as 'bitches'? If he does, he no longer considers himself nice. When he hunts his prey or looks for a mate, nobody doubts what the outcome will be, such is his prowess. He certainly doesn't smother the other animals with agreeable comments and focussed, super-friendly conversation that feels like a straitjacket which prohibits speaking freely. He doesn't suck the fun out of the conversation in a manner comparable to talking to someone's conservative granny. He either makes the kill or lies collectedly, safe in the knowledge of dauntlessness will. He too emerged from the womb of his mother, but he never longs to return. He enjoys the freedom of the dusty plains, and would never cling to a lioness in an attempt to satisfy a desperate desire to reproduce the conditions of his life in the uterus.
Dear Nigel,
I'm having difficulty getting my girlfriend to get sexy in the shower. It's a fantasy of mine, but she's not interested. She says that it requires too much 'gymnastics' and we should just do it on the bed. What can I do to convince her?
So, you like a long, hot shower, do you? No wonder she doesn't want you. It's clear that you have a repressed desire to crawl back into the womb, and the safe, comforting heat of a long shower provides the next best thing. When you ask her to join you in the shower, she sees the you for the infant that you are. It is time for you to grow up and cut down on your water consumption via a shower timer or by shutting off the water while you soap up. Maybe then you won't need forty litres of water to get her wet.
 |
| One for the T&A sophisticates. |
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