I recently received an email from an adoring fan asking me if I had a girlfriend. As per usual, she assumed that some woman had managed to encage me via a relationship, as fine specimens such as myself are such rare beasts. The reality is I have been single(ish) for a long time now. I know what you're thinking: "A lion like you can't be kept in one place for long." "Always on the look out for new prey", you say. Well, that's not exactly true. Despite my prowess with the ladies, most of my dates end in abysmal failure. They start off fine; there's usually chemistry and fun, and often there's attraction and a sense of promise. Unbeknownst to my date, however, my good graces and charm are resting on a knife's edge. All it takes is for her to say something as innocuous as, "So, what music do you listen to?", to set me off. Completely enraged, I get right up in her face and say, "Fuck. You.", before storming off, never talking to her again. The question is my trigger, and if I fail to inform my date about it, she is unlikely to avoid it. You can see my problem, right? Asking about one's music interests is a personality test in disguise (A pop personality test disguised as a pop personality test, you might say). It assumes you can gauge the person by their iPod. Well, no thank you! I'd rather not have you psychoanalyse me for listening, say, for the sake of avoiding argument, and I'm not saying I actually do, but let's say Enya or Wham!, for argument's sake.
In recent years, I have grown to see that this is solely my problem, an actual case of 'It's not you, it's me'. However, I am quite indignant about other ubiquitous assumptions about music, such as a gig being an appropriate dating option. I have never seen the great appeal of live music, especially for dates. Aside from the difficulty in finding a band or singer that both people like, there are few advantages in going to see a band play live. You will either see some unknown band or somebody famous, and both are fraught with problems. Seeing unknown bands is great fun if you enjoy not being able to talk properly for a couple of hours. While that may favour certain dates, you still have to listen to some long-haired whiner convey his suffering over a minor problem he had in a medium devoid of any artistry or decency. Famous bands come with their own set of disadvantages. For a start, they are more expensive. Why would I spend all that money just to brave the cold and listen to songs I could listen to in the comfort of my home with a cup of tea? The over-priced drinks that are sold at gigs compound the expensiveness live music; why would you ever choose that over buying alcohol in the supermarket? At home there are no crappy plastic cups, no sweaty idiots, and no sore legs from standing. Plus, with your own music collection, you get to listen to all the songs you want to hear, in the order you want to hear them. The performance is always pristine, and I never have to face the disappointment of the omission of any of my favourites. I fail to see how people tolerate listening to some tosser in the crowd ask what song was being played or confess how this one isn't of his favourites — or even worse, said toss pot enjoying the same songs you do, thereby ruining everything for you. Some of you will use 'the atmosphere' or the possibility of 'pulling' someone to promote seeing live music, but these are mirages of satisfaction. You can simulate the atmosphere by playing a live album of your favourite band; that's assuming that the atmosphere is good in the first place and you are tolerant of mister toss of the pots. Even if you do enjoy the atmosphere, what does that say about you? You love doing things in unison, under the hypnotic power of some charismatic person on a stage. That always works out well. As for 'pulling', if you are successful, congratulations, but if it involves a conversation about music (as it most usually will) then some of us will encounter problems.
If you are a rational being and you want to avoid making irrational choices, whether you are looking after your personal pleasure or financial fortunes, you will avoid live music. When enough people choose the rational course, live music will begin to disappear. Coupled with free downloads from the internet (another rational choice), music production will dwindle along with all the nonsensical chitter-chatter about it. Eventually, the decrease in the voluminous amounts of perfunctory noises emitting for people's mouth will reveal the beauty that was always there, waiting for us to cease drowning it out with cacophony and bewailing — silence.
Next time on The Fair Observations: Nigel, like the modern day Jesus that he is, edifies everyone on the insidious nature of going to the cinema and enjoying sunny days outdoors.
In the absence of any gratuitous 'skin' on the last post, here's a compensatory video.
In recent years, I have grown to see that this is solely my problem, an actual case of 'It's not you, it's me'. However, I am quite indignant about other ubiquitous assumptions about music, such as a gig being an appropriate dating option. I have never seen the great appeal of live music, especially for dates. Aside from the difficulty in finding a band or singer that both people like, there are few advantages in going to see a band play live. You will either see some unknown band or somebody famous, and both are fraught with problems. Seeing unknown bands is great fun if you enjoy not being able to talk properly for a couple of hours. While that may favour certain dates, you still have to listen to some long-haired whiner convey his suffering over a minor problem he had in a medium devoid of any artistry or decency. Famous bands come with their own set of disadvantages. For a start, they are more expensive. Why would I spend all that money just to brave the cold and listen to songs I could listen to in the comfort of my home with a cup of tea? The over-priced drinks that are sold at gigs compound the expensiveness live music; why would you ever choose that over buying alcohol in the supermarket? At home there are no crappy plastic cups, no sweaty idiots, and no sore legs from standing. Plus, with your own music collection, you get to listen to all the songs you want to hear, in the order you want to hear them. The performance is always pristine, and I never have to face the disappointment of the omission of any of my favourites. I fail to see how people tolerate listening to some tosser in the crowd ask what song was being played or confess how this one isn't of his favourites — or even worse, said toss pot enjoying the same songs you do, thereby ruining everything for you. Some of you will use 'the atmosphere' or the possibility of 'pulling' someone to promote seeing live music, but these are mirages of satisfaction. You can simulate the atmosphere by playing a live album of your favourite band; that's assuming that the atmosphere is good in the first place and you are tolerant of mister toss of the pots. Even if you do enjoy the atmosphere, what does that say about you? You love doing things in unison, under the hypnotic power of some charismatic person on a stage. That always works out well. As for 'pulling', if you are successful, congratulations, but if it involves a conversation about music (as it most usually will) then some of us will encounter problems.
If you are a rational being and you want to avoid making irrational choices, whether you are looking after your personal pleasure or financial fortunes, you will avoid live music. When enough people choose the rational course, live music will begin to disappear. Coupled with free downloads from the internet (another rational choice), music production will dwindle along with all the nonsensical chitter-chatter about it. Eventually, the decrease in the voluminous amounts of perfunctory noises emitting for people's mouth will reveal the beauty that was always there, waiting for us to cease drowning it out with cacophony and bewailing — silence.
Next time on The Fair Observations: Nigel, like the modern day Jesus that he is, edifies everyone on the insidious nature of going to the cinema and enjoying sunny days outdoors.
In the absence of any gratuitous 'skin' on the last post, here's a compensatory video.
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