Beaches Speeches

In the advent of Brexit, I have heard some lamenting along the lines of, "If Churchill was around, he'd give us the leadership we need now". Even if we put the World War II hero in  the most flattering light, I find this notion highly implausible. I shall forego any explanation about how intractable a mess Brexit is, or how there is evidence that Churchill may well have favoured a "United States of Europe", and just assume that this idea comes from the many recent fictional interpretations of the historical figure. That in itself is a peculiar phenomenon. It is as though the rights of Churchill's life suddenly entered the public domain, such is the volume of films and television shows representing him in recent years. 

As per the exigency and dictums of the internet, enumeration and ranking of these portrayals is inevitable. Here, I shall itemise my top eight portrayals of the man, taking into consideration some helpful criteria: the delivery of the post-Dunkirk speech to parliament (obviously); the amount of curmudgeon in the performance; the level of alcoholism; the simplification of history; the omission of Britain's dominion over other countries; the inclusion of some git who wants to placate the Nazis; and a reference to Britain's democratic, freedom-loving character, such as the Magna Carta, or the time Oliver Cromwell got rid of the monarchy for a few years, or how they became a constitutional monarchy because the aristocracy was so desperate not to have a Catholic sit on the throne. So, in no particular order, here are my top eight.

Churchill addressing parliament. 

1. Darkest Hour (2017)

Gary Oldman plays the great statesman, Winston Churchill, as he inspires his nation to hold out against the German menace, after the strategic retreat of Dunkirk. 

2. Churchill (2017)

Brian Cox portrays the legendary leader, Churchill, as he emboldens Britain to stand tall against the German threat of invasion, after a failed military operation in France.

3. Into the Storm (HBO TV film, 2009)

Brendan Gleeson is the wartime prime minister, Winston Churchill, as he rallies his people to stay strong against the Nazi war machine, after the army's touch-and-go escape across the English channel. 

4. The Crown (Netflix TV series, 2016 - )

John Lithgow plays elderly statesman, Winston Churchill, as he waxes nostalgic, with, amongst others, the young Queen Elizabeth, about how he rallied his nation to stand up to Nazism (pron. naw-zee-ism) after the military retreat from Dunkirk.

5. Dunkirk (2017)

A beach plays Dunkirk, not Winston Churchill, as the events that happen there, narrated later by a Churchill speech being read aloud, encourage a nation to never submit to the will of Teutonic tyranny, after a difficult, strategic retreat on the aforementioned beach above. 

Incidentally, the speech is delivered on a dejected train by one of the many interchangeable, indistinguishable young white English actors. In other words, not shit-cool Tom Hardy, nor Mark Rylance, the resolute English gentleman, nor the heroic, inspiring Kenneth Branagh. Maybe it was the guy who was in One Direction - I couldn't distinguish him for the other young lads. 

6. Never Surrender (2018)

Set after the heart-aching retreat from Dunkirk, Meryl Streep plays the strong, confident leader, Winston Churchill, who inspires passion in her nation to say enough is enough of the bullying, misogynistic Adolf Hitler, by being her own woman, complete without a man. 

Or something vague like that which parts of the internet will hate before it goes into production, because there's a woman playing a man's role. Part of the internet will consider it a triumph, before insisting everyone must see it, regardless of the quality of the film. And another part will criticise the lead actress for her clothing, being white, being straight, having vulnerabilities, and not making enough anachronistic commentary about the sexism of the time.

7. Inspiring World War II Speech Guy (2017)

Kevin James plays a slobbish-but-loveable president of England, Winston Churchill, as he keeps his country in the game against the Nazis, after they literally almost got their asses kicked in "Europe". 

There are some notable changes in the Dunkirk speech. The following phrases were added by the film writers: "it was a dick move", "real douchebags", "a game changer", "freedom ain't free", and "let's play ball".

In the end, Churchill fist fights Hitler, wins the war, and gets the girl. 

8. Winston and Franklin (2017)

Eddie Redmayne plays misunderstood statesman, Winston Churchill, as he challenges the British public to follow their heart and resist whatever the Nazis think of them, after nearly getting caught and humiliated in Dunkirk. 

A highly erotic melodrama, which also centres on Franklin D. Roosevelt's decision to take the US into the war. A polio-struck cripple falls for an old, cantankerous English gentlemen, and realises he must do whatever it takes to save him. The speech itself narrates an awkward love scene, where two inflexible, ostensibly straight gentlemen try to navigate homoeroticism for the first time. 

And there you have it. Another deeply unsatisfying listicle. Of course, this list is subject to revision, as they keep churning out historical dramas about the same person and events. That's all there is for the foreseeable future. Settle in and suck it up. It's either this or we return to making films and TV shows about the Kennedys or Nelson Mandela, and I know there are only so many bad accents you can take.