Four Times a Lady

This International Women's Day, we here at the Fair Observations have invited a selection of prestigious guests to help us mark the occasion and tell us what it means to them.

"Well, what do we have here? All the ladies on a very special day for them indeed. I must admit you all attract my considered admiration, whether you be feisty, charming, beautiful, or all of the above. Sadly, this old universe is too big and I am kept too busy to seduce them all, so, gentlemen, step up and take care of that special woman in your life. Because, guys, when she's gone, she's gone for good, and all the guile and charm in the world won't get her back. I once held in my arms a Mrs Calrissian. I may have stolen her from my brother, but it was the real deal. A true love. Though I know how to treat a lady well, I got caught up in too many things to give her the right attention. Over time, she began to complain about the drinking, the cocaine, the gambling, the womanising, and the excessive work hours. The clouds surrounding the heaven I built for us turned dark. She left me for another star system. So, this International Women's Day, I wish I could offer some real support, but I can't. I'm sorry I couldn't do better, but I've got my own problems."

"I appreciate women of all shapes and sizes, I really do. Who else would give me a blowjob? They're the very premise on which my casual sex is built. They drive me crazy. I lose sleep over them. I think they misunderstand my feelings. I don't think they get that all the fucking makes me emotional. I mean Freud would say I'm Oedipal, but that doesn't account for all the young girls. I have the ultimate respect for women — they're my superiors. Even the vicious feminazis. They would castrate me. They practically do psychologically. Am I being too involved here? Over-thinking the issue? I genuinely want to convey how much I respect and admire women. I wish I could give you all cunnilingus and convince you better with my tongue. It's terrific. I personally think it can only be surpassed by a great blowjob and a mind free of the fear of vagina dentata. And a game of squash with a friend who is having complicated marital problems. Or wandering around New York City with a quirky love interest (and, possibly, secretly fucking her sister). Or off-beat plots, with a hipster-level connoisseurship of food and drink. Or Jewish stereotypes and a preoccupation with the minutiae of sex. Or divorce, a fruitless session with a shrink, a nonchalant conversation about art and academia, and fucking underage girls."

"I'm a warrior, a fighter. I never back down. I will stand up to anyone. This Women's Day, I am prepared to stand up for women across the globe. The women of the world have earned my respect, whether they be mothers, sisters, friends, lovers, or daughters. It's our role to stand with them. Are you a warrior? Will you take on those who mistreat women, and support our sisters? Will you hear the call to defend and promote women's rights, as a true fighter? Are you prepared to stand tall? To build a more just society? Or will you be a coward, backing away from the fight? Refusing to step up to the plate? The women of the world are strong, you should be. You need to lift a few weights and man up. And get a tailored suit. You're a disgrace. I'll kick the shit out of you if you even look at them the wrong way. Stupid prick, I'll dig de head off ye!"

"I give my heart go the women of the world today. How blessed we are to have you in our lives. You may not notice it, but I admire you and am inspired by you. I love the way you laugh, the way you cry during soppy movies, the way you face lights up when you smile. I adore you when you sleep, when you play with your dog, when you are being mischievous. I just want to take all of you in my arms and say thank you for being you.I know I'm not perfect, but I do truly love you, more than anyone else, women of the world. So, why did you have to go fuck that guy? He's an asshole, you said so yourself. He didn't share those special, quiet moments with you and his taste in music is shit. I could hear my heart breaking when I saw you with him. You're such a fucking whore. You're all such fucking cunts sometimes, I'm glad I don't have to put up with your shit anymore. When is International Bros Day? How come we don't celebrate International Men's Day, huh? The deck is stacked in your favour and you complain about everything. You put on a dress and some make up and then every guy is putty in your hands. You stupid, selfish bitches!"