I'll Probably Still Watch the Fifth Season

The writer I aspire to be the most is Tom Yates from House of Cards. I believe personas like his should be the aspiration of all artists, particularly writers. Essentially, you have to produce very little, only enough material to allow you to cultivate your Mary Sue fantasies and exulted reputation. Who has time for volumes and volumes of writing when one is trying to construct a bullet-proof persona succulently built on a series of interesting paradoxes? You are an idealist and a pragmatist. You are also a deeply insightful psychologist, but unrestrained by the trappings of others’ feeling. You work hard enough to permit hours and days of idleness and self-destruction. You are stylish, fit and handsome with no apparent effort involved. You are pure and have integrity, yet you are immersed in the filth of things. You are an observer, but as per the observer effect, you affect the events under your study.

Our hero, Tom.

Of course, writing is your passion. You live for it, even if it brings you pain — especially if it brings you pain. It is your vocation, your calling, the fate you are bound to and always have been. It is paramount that you tell everyone you are a writer often. For it seems that being a writer is like being in a relationship — the most important part is reminding people of it and playing out the role. Never call yourself an author or novelist, but always a writer, as we are referring to a lifestyle, not a profession. High regard is also important; people must recognise you for your genius. When the occasion arises for your to prove your abilities, you must produce not particularly spectacular prose, which others (especially those whose opinion matters) are moved and impressed by. 

Tom made his first appearance in what was easily the most tedious and self-indulgent season of House of Cards. The efficient and seasoned political-maestro, Frank Underwood, decides (for some reason) that hiring a writer to produce a biography about him is how he is going to win re-election. He is (for some reason) impressed with Tom's 100-word blurb about a flash video game he (for some reason) reads in a magazine. In a world of soundbites and memes and Snapchat and short videos and visceral, snap outrage and shorter attention-spans, the president decides (for some reason) that hundreds of pages of prose, which people would have to pay for, is the best way to affect the opinions of the millions of voters he needs before the next election. And all within 18 months. If you haven't seen the show, email me, and I'll send you buckets of tiresome memes to help you fill in the gaps. It may be boring, being engaged in a conversation about something you have never seen (and, by God, Game of Thrones fans, I should know), but it will be more interesting than the third season. That is, of course, unless you like characters suddenly acting erratically and obvious political commentary. 

Totally vacuous.

The great irony of Tom Yates is that he is a love letter to writers, yet he is a blatant vanity project and part of a poor piece of writing. This is a classic pitfall of writers, where they descend into tedium and mediocrity when speaking about themselves. Aside from the fact that they are way off the mark with their generalisations about writers — writers, even at a precursory glance, clearly vary in character, motivation, and temperament —  the cardinal sin of writers writing about writers is that they indulge their desire to fossilise their identity as a writer. Writers write rightly when they write not of writings about writing. Much in the way that photos of you with a poor African child or in a far away land or enjoying some fancy dish or beverage is a transparent attempt to portray you as an interesting person, writers writing about writers is a tedious attempt to portray the writer as a unique individual.  

Tom Yates is a particularly nauseating example, as he is so important to the world he inhabits, and we know he shouldn't be. His flaws are really interesting (stubborn in a noble way, drinking, sleeping around, ghosts in his past). He often goes for long periods without writing, purportedly waiting for the right inspiration. This is a mendacious account of writers, as many writers find inspiration while writing, and I doubt anyone has ever mastered the art without persistently trying. Friedrich Nietzsche, who by all accounts is an excellent writer, wrote that if one wanted to become a great novelist, one should frequently write what one sees around them in the most interesting style they could. Within ten years, you should be well-able to express yourself excellently in the written word. No mystical powers surround the writer, and, as Nietzsche once pointed out, the mystical cannot even reach the level of superficial. Shallowness is the best we get, when writers start to congratulate themselves in their work. We get clichés and self-enamoured portrayals; we get specious lines about the power of writing. 

Of course, Tom becomes entangled in the Underwood's relationship. He shares a tender moment with Frank, and in the fourth season, he begins a sexual relationship with his wife Claire. Frank gives his blessing, and we leave one episode with the three of them sitting down for breakfast in a triumvirate of polyamory. This feeds further into the idolisation of the writer. I could elaborate on this point, but I think I will cut this one short, without any further comment. There are levels of pretentiousness that even I would not like to descend into. 

"Speciousness is its own form of meaninglessness."