Come, M'lady, You're My Butterfly, Sugar, Baby

After edifying so many young men in their love lives, I have received a few messages concerning online dating. 'Is it just a refuge for perverts and fraudsters?', I hear you ask fearfully. No, my dear readers, I can assure you that the internet is a wonderful place of abundant information, free opinions, and social connections. Many young lads venture onto dating sites in pursuit of a sexual hit. However, it all-too-often turns into a flaccid, frustrating affair, void of any flirting, sexting, cam sex, or arranging of dates. So, how do you succeed in the modern, 21st century, virtual world of contemporary romance and new-trend seduction? Let me guide you though the apparent minefield and lead those with the stamina to sexual glory.

90% of women online are this good-looking and await messages on their bed in their underwear. But will they be interested in you, you little worm?

Your number one priority on a dating website is your profile pictures. You seem creepy if you don't have one, and you look like an idiot if you use candy shots of you shirtless on your bed. If you have a good physique, you must find less gratuitous ways of showing it off. Your profile pictures should be a set of portraits that show a man of great masculinity and intellect. Be sure to avoid accusations of arrogance by showing sensitivity and a sense of humour. I am a little shy about showing my actual dating profile, but I will describe the pictures for you. The first shows my creative side; I am chiselling an ice sculpture of an angel in a naturally lit studio with my shirt off, revealing my tanned, ripped musculature. The second picture offers a contrast, and shows me hugging a grateful African child. Smiles and tears of joy tell a story that other selfies don't tell. In the third, I am meditating shirtless on the side of a beautiful mountain, surrounded by nature. A wall in the background bears writing from an Asian language and a yin-yang symbol. The fourth shows me clearly having a good time in a bar with my buddies who are all smiling and not perverts or sociopaths. The fourth is a carefully lit, monochrome picture of me in a tailored suit, holding a gin and tonic. It exudes sophistication and power. In the fifth, I'm playing football with underprivileged children, clearly bring joy to their lives with my athleticism and sense of fun. The sixth is a selfie of me at a beach; I'm wet and shirtless, having decided that after my swim it was time for a selfie. The seventh, which is another black-and-white shot, shows me lost in thought over a keyboard; a copy of James Joyce's Ulysses can clearly be seen in the background. I added the caption 'Writing on a hot, summer's day' to explain why I have no shirt on. The eighth and final shot shows me on the opposite side of a table in a classy restaurant, smiling handsomely. The caption reads, 'Care to join me?'

In the 'Interests' section write everything you have ever done that wasn't illegal or very boring. This will make your life seem full. For the 'About Me' section, you need only do two things: avoid red flags and write proper sentences. Red flags include things like bad-mouthing your exes, saying you're looking for a nice girl, declaring oafishly that you don't know what you're doing here, referring to yourself as a 'cuddle monster', and admitting you listen to Linkin Park. While we're on matter, don't use "Come, m'lady, you're my butterfly, sugar, baby" as your headline. It wasn't a Linkin Park song, but everyone thinks it was, and you will be unable to salvage the damage done by proving the girls wrong. As for the 'First Date' section, be sure to suggest somewhere there will be people and will be fun for both of you. Unless you're from a culture where boy-meets-girl involves sitting for hours together silently, don't suggest the cinema as a first date.

Once your profile is complete rifle out those messages, you fine stud! Always reject any messages girls sends you. 'There's clearly something wrong with her if she's interested in me', says a voice from deep within. Trust it; it's correct. Be sure not to write anything like this:

can i see ur pussy plz?

i have a sausage delivery for u. wer will i put it ;)

cam?

She may over-look the fact that you're a sleazy, illiterate, rude, jerk-off boy, who sees her as nothing more than a sex hole, but she will never forgive your laziness. Sexting is oft-desired, but not attained so easily. Start off with a few questions and lead the conversation towards the fool-proof terrain of likes and dislikes. Once here, you must throw out a gambit to see if she'd like to talk dirty. Remember: sex is great when it's found in an unlikely place, so your chances are good. If you don't believe me, consider how ubiquitous role-playing is. Few people role-play a situation where sex is likely to be found, for example a couple having sex in their bedroom. Only narcissistic actors and literary students, who get off on the multiple layers of narrative, would enjoy that.
Forming the bait is easier than it first seems. Using something she says, turn the conversation towards the sexual. The following words can easily be couched into a sexting gambit if you have the wit and imagination to do so:

bed                                                 shower
riding                                             hard
strip                                                lick
slap                                                bold
tongue                                            pinned
bite                                                 finger
throw around                                  watching
rope                                                balls
secret                                              firm
body                                               punishing
sweat                                              tying
penetrate                                         asphyxiate
washing machine                            drilling
pumping                                          beans
kebabs                                             nappies

linoleum                                          grandma                                           

yeast infection                                cheese grater                                     

q-tips

If the gambit works, try another one, being sure not to move too fast. Repeat this process until it's three in the morning and you still have to get ready for bed and attend to your six-hour-long erection. After several rounds of this, you will probably move on to more intimate activities (cam sex, photos of your nipple, etc.), but eventually you will both want to meet. Enjoy the confidence of having already seduced your date before you have even met. When you finally start having sex with her, it will be completely different the epic, exhaustive, farcical fantasy you spent hours writing together. My experiences and the doomed nature of human existence have taught me not to expect romance to last, so be sure keep your dating profile open. 

And that's it. Now I must go and look in the mirror at length, lamenting the number of greys on my head and the barren wasteland of a life spent as an unpaid gigolo. In the words of Linkin Park, I've become so numb (but in the end it doesn't even matter).